There’s nothing quite like a dad joke. Scientists have proven that the only reason men have kids is so that they can start telling them. Even better is when those kids grow up and the jokes evolve to their final, vile stages. A dad without dad jokes is like a car without an engine; it just kind of sits there, leaking gas.
Here are 60 NSFW jokes that dads would tell, or that are about dads.
– Dirty Dad Jokes
Chicken eggs have perfected the art of getting laid without the need of a cock.
Presumably, the yeti’s father has snowballs.
I asked my dad for filthy dad jokes but he was too old to keep them coming.
What do you call the sweat on your father’s balls after he’s had sex with your cousin?
My dad’s golf group have started using their penises instead of golf clubs. I thought that was so strange, but he says it’s because he’s never seen a dick without a hole in one.
John and his aging father go out for lunch. John’s father has been married to his mother for 50 years and they have had 3 other kids besides John. In their old age, life in the bedroom has slowed down to a stop, and John’s father can only remember that part of their past fondly. At lunch that day, however, John’s father is spritely and full of energy. John asks his dad what is going on that has made him so happy. His father replies: “John, things in the bedroom with your mother have rekindled. The day I have waited for has finally come. Your mother has Parkinson’s.”
Men die two deaths. The first is when they go bald.
My dad is a circus performer. He’s been doing the same act for years and years, and it was at a performance of his that he met my mom. They both tell one story about his circus career. My father’s circus act is unique and nigh unbelievable. What he would do is place a walnut on a table just below his knees, whip out his dick, swing it around and use it to crack the walnut. One audience member who saw this when my dad just started out as a young man could not believe it, and left stupefied. Decades later, with my dad in his late 50’s and still doing the act, that same man came to see the performance. That time, my dad placed a coconut on the table, whipped out his dick, and split the coconut right in half. After the show, the man, insistent on talking to my dad, found him backstage, shook his hand, and asked: “After all these years, your performance still blows me away. But why have you changed to a coconut instead of a walnut?” My dad just looked at him and said: “Well, my eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”
Next: Inappropriate Jokes
My dad gives terrible advice. Before I left for college he reminded me that the difference between a lobster with tits and a downtown bus stop is that one is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.
My dad says he loves hunting and prostitutes for the same reason: “There’s nothing like fucking a quick buck and paying a buck for a quick fuck.” He’s in jail now.
A guy died of a heart attack during sex and his wife didn’t realise until he didn’t ask for a drink afterwards.
After the divorce my dad ended up just like how he has dessert: no custardy.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me: “No wait! That one is the break release!” I told him I didn’t want to get into the family elevator repair business.
What’s the difference between a vampire and an anemic?
One sucks blood, the other’s blood sucks.
I knew I was becoming like my father when I saw the disappointed look in my mother’s eyes.
A mosquito’s father became a divorce lawyer. He was already a bloodsucking parasite, all he needed was a briefcase.
I was surprised at my parents’ divorce after years of them describing their marriage as: “Just like Christmas.” Then I found out they meant it’s because they only come once a year.
A farmer’s wife left him after she found him having sex with one of the ponies after she went to sleep. It was her worst fucking night mare.
What do you call a dad who loves you no matter what?
Next: 86 Dark Humor Jokes
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
A cannibal and his picky son are sitting at the dinner table. The cannibal says: “Your mother cooked very long and hard to become this meal and I expect you to eat it.”
Husband: The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want.
Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time.
My dad only knows masturbation jokes. He says they always cum in handy.
A husband says to his wife: “The guys at golf were saying that our mailman has slept with every woman on this street except one…”
His wife replies: “I bet it’s Claire!”
Husband: “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
Wife: “Your dick is much bigger than your brother’s.”
I recently came into a bunch of money. I usually use paper towels.
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shots of tequila. The bartender asks: “That’s a lot! What’s the occasion?”
The guy replies: “My first blow job.”
The bartender says: “Well in that case, the 7th one is free.”
The guy replies: “Buddy, if six doesn’t get rid of the taste, then nothing will.”
Little Jonny sits down next to his grandfather and says “Can I have a cigar?” Little Johnny’s grandfather looks down at little Johnny and replies “Can your dick touch your asshole?” “No!” Said little Johnny. “Then I guess you can’t have a cigar” stated the grandfather smugly.
A few days go by and little Johnny seen his grandfather drinking a beer. Little Johnny sits down next to his grandfather and says “Can I have a beer?” Little Johnny’s grandfather looks down at little Johnny and replies “Can your dick touch your asshole?” “No!” Said little Johnny. “Then I guess you can’t have a beer” stated the grandfather smugly.
A few more days go by and the grandfather notices little Johnny with a large plate a fresh chocolate chip cookies. The grandfather asks if his grandmother made those cookies. “Yes!” Little Johnny said smiling. The grandfather asks “can I have a cookie? Your grandmother’s cookies are my favourite.” Little Johnny looks up at his grandfather and asks “Can your dick touch your asshole.” The grandfather grinned and replied “Yes it can.”
Little Johnny smiled and said “Then you can go fuck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me.”
Next: 55 Dirty Knock Knock Jokes
My dad always used to say: “If your sex doll starts leaking, it’s not sick, it’s full.”
One day Geppetto is in his workshop busy working away at a nice wooden rocking chair. As he is chipping away at one of the legs he hears a sound coming from upstairs in Pinocchio’s room. It sounds like sandpaper being rubbed up and down. Geppetto thinks nothing of it, as Pinocchio is now a teenager and needs his privacy. After thirty minutes of the noise, he suddenly hears screaming, so he runs upstairs and bursts into the room. Pinocchio is sitting at his desk, watching an extremely dirty video, with both his hands and cock on fire.
My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year.
What’s the difference between a fake dollar and an anorexic prostitute?
One is a phony buck…
What’s the difference between a walrus and a 19th-century prostitute?
One is hairy and smells like fish, the other is a walrus.
Before I left for music college, my dad said to me: “Remember, it’s better to have lobsters in your piano, than crabs on your organ.”
Why is six afraid of seven?
Seven is a registered six offender.
The odds of curing an eating disorder through religion are slim to nun.
Two families are out camping and the dads, Jim and Steven, go for a hike. While they’re hiking, Jim goes for a pee in the bushes. While he’s weeing, a snake emerges from the bushes and bites his dick. Jim screams and runs back towards Steven, dick in hand. He tells Jim: “A snake just bit my dick!” Steven immediately pulls out his cell phone and calls his sister, Pamela, who is a doctor. Steven says: “Pamela, Jim just got bitten by a snake, what should I do?” Pamela says: “You need to suck the poison out, right now.” Steven nods and ends the call. Jim says: “Well, what did she say?” Jim looks at Steven and says: “She said there’s nothing we can do. Good knowing you Jim.”
Next: 99 Lesbian Jokes
A girlfriend and boyfriend are having sex, but get too loud and wake up the girl’s father. He comes into the room, and it’s too late for the boyfriend to jump away and make it look like nothing was happening. The girl looks at her father and says: “Dad, I’m sorry.” Her dad says, to the boyfriend: “Are you fucking sorry?”
The worst thing to feel during a prostate exam is two hands on your shoulders.
What’s the difference between a party with no dress code and a pirate themed swingers party?
To the one, you come as you are. To the other, you ARRRR as you cum.
If having sex for money makes you a whore, then call me a non-profit whoreganisation.
“It’s a boy,” the man exclaimed, tears rolling down his face. It was at that moment he decided not to visit Thailand again.
What’s the difference between a Clint Eastwood line and too much anal?
One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak.
Phil and Dan are out at a bar. Dan has been happily married to a blind man for 8 years. Phil asks him: “Dan, you and your husband do so well together despite his disability. I’ve always wanted to know, how does it work in the bedroom?” Dan says: “Well, you gotta hand it to him.”
My parents got divorced after 10 years when my mom realised my father was actually a Neo-Nazi. To be fair, there were a lot of red flags.
I think my parents have a fetish for public sex, especially in elevators. It’s wrong on so many levels.
What do you call a field of cows that are all masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
“What’s that in my mouth, Batman?”
If a Frenchman has a great body and terrible face, just baguette.
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A family is driving along behind a delivery truck that is taking sex toys to an adult convention. At a rather large speed bump, a dildo flies out the back of the truck and hits the family’s car’s windshield. The family’s 8 year old boy asks: “What was that mommy?” His mom replies: “Don’t worry son, it was just an insect.” The boy replies: “Wow, that must be a strong insect to get off the ground with a cock like that.”
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They’ve never had a full house.
I made my dad a cup of coffee once and he told me it was like “having sex in a canoe.” I asked him if that means it’s the best coffee he’s ever had. He said: “No, it’s fucking closet to water.”