100 Good Comebacks

Your friends say the meanest things sometimes, don’t they? 

That can be a good thing. It’s your chance to pounce. Though, it’s not always easy to think of a comeback on the spot. You could be…dumbass partners in crime? No, you want something witty, something to cut them to their core. You don’t want to match their ridiculousness. Worse, you don’t want them to have the last word, So, we’ve compiled a list here of 100 comebacks that you might want to use the next time your friend hurts you or makes you mad. Don’t delay. Make sure you commit these to memory.

 

Good Comebacks 

  1. You hit the nail right on the head. Too bad your parents took it literally.  
  2. Is part 2 of your argument coming out soon or is that it? 
  3. The fact that someone wakes up to your face in the morning should be alarming. And yes, I’m referring to the mirror as well. 
  4. Don’t worry. Everyone makes mistakes. Your parents, for one. 
  5. No amount of self-editing can fix the massive failure your autobiography would be. 
  6. Earth has a population of over 7 billion, and I had to meet the biggest loser imaginable. 
  7. A corpse is better company than you. 
  8. The series of mental backflips I had to do to try and understand your point should have broken my neck. 
  9. Your ignorance makes my racist uncle look like Albert Einstein. 
  10. You’re the corner piece to an unsolvable puzzle: everyone looks right past you. 
  11. You’re the type of person that uses their 3rd grade research paper as a resume booster.  
  12. Your skin is glowing, but I think it’s from the radiation emanating from your toxic ass personality. 
  13. I’ve never had many life goals. I’m just really grateful I’m not you. 
  14. I would like some tips on how to clear my mind from someone with nothing meaningful to contribute. Care to help? 
  15. Your absence would affect me greatly. I’d finally get some peace and quiet. 
  16. Louie Armstrong would have never released “What a Wonderful World” had he met you. 
  17. You’re not simply a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family. 
  18. Some people hatch into beautiful butterflies. Some people hatch into whatever the hell you are. 
  19. Has anyone ever tried to smack some sense into you? Allow me to be the first one. 
  20. Funny, I don’t remember you raising your hand. I’m going to call on someone else. 

 

Best Comebacks 

  1. When they said grow a pair, they didn’t mean for you to have kids. 
  2. You hear that? It’s the sound of me not caring. 
  3. I’m not going to repeat myself, but I’m also glad to do anything that prevents you from talking. 
  4. I applaud your effort, but I think I’m the only one in the audience. And I’m leaving early. 
  5. This is a lose-lose situation for me. I lose my valuable time and any semblance of compassion I had left. 
  6. You’re an unscented candle in a store full of beautiful fragrances.  
  7. You are the architect of your life. Unfortunately, the blueprints are messy, written in Mandarin, and waterlogged beyond all recognition. Good luck. 
  8. I like you just the way you are: uninspiring, uninteresting, and dreadfully unfunny. 
  9. All mistakes are fixable, yet you aren’t. 
  10. Did I hurt your ego? Do you want a kissy on your boo-boo?
  11. Your brain is working overtime today. You better pay it extra. 
  12. I’d tell you to blow your brains out, but I’m pretty certain there’s nothing there. 
  13. The Department of Homeland Security added your existence to the list of “Natural Disasters.”
  14. Being a dick to me won’t make yours bigger. 
  15. Ditch the outfit. You’re enough of an asshat as it is. 
  16. I don’t want to rain on your parade. I want a typhoon. 
  17. The amount of meaningful things you’ve done in your life wouldn’t be enough to fill a single page. 
  18. I’d hate to come across a universe where you’re funny. 
  19. I’d spell it out for you, but that’s assuming you know your ABC’s 
  20. Swallow your pride and your tongue while you’re at it.

 

Savage Comebacks

  1. You should come with a warning label. 
  2. They say our brains don’t stop developing until we reach 25; looks like yours stopped a bit early.  
  3. Good job. You almost reached a level of coherency resembling my newborn son. 
  4. Large and in charge isn’t your excuse to be a fat asshole. 
  5. I can’t think of anything to celebrate on your birthday except you being closer to death. 
  6. It got a little chillier in here once I realized you were a cold-hearted bitch. 
  7. Are you at a loss for words, or did you exhaust your entire vocabulary?  
  8. I don’t have any trash to take out today, but I volunteer you as tribute. 
  9. I understand everything you said. I’m choosing to ignore you. 
  10. I gave out all my trophies a while ago, but here’s a participation award. 
  11. When God made you, you must have been on the bottom of his “to-do” list. 
  12. Aww, don’t worry, you are wanted…wanted for several accounts of perjury. 
  13. I didn’t put garlic over my door because I think you’re a vampire. It just smells much better than you. 
  14. Every cloud has a silver lining. I’m still trying to figure out yours. 
  15. You’ve got something on your face. No, not there—everywhere. 
  16. I have a present for you. I present to you: absolutely fucking nothing.  
  17. My heart was beating fast when I saw you walk in. I thought you were the monster under my bed. 
  18. If you ever cross my mind, I’ll make sure it’s a busy intersection. 
  19. Are all your friends this stupid as well? Maybe we can invite them over and, together, you’d constitute one working brain cell.  
  20. I must have been imagining things. For a second there, I thought you made a valid point.

 

Baddie Comebacks

  1. You seem to have a lot on your mind… a lot of bullshit. 
  2. You’re the reason the divorce rate is so high. 
  3. “Spending some time” would imply I’d spend anything on your ungrateful ass. 
  4. Row, row, row your boat gently down a raging fucking waterfall. 
  5. You must be magic because I suddenly don’t give a shit anymore!
  6. Usually my rule is “3 strikes and you’re out,” but you were out of my mind as soon as you started spewing your bullshit. 
  7. Glad I could be of assistance. Allow me to assist you in never walking again. 
  8. The song “Army of One” is an ode to your loneliness. 
  9. I clean up germs all day, but no matter how hard I scrub, you’re still here. 
  10. I’m surprised your teeth aren’t brown from all the shit talking you do.
  11. The hardest pill to swallow is knowing nothing is as lethal as your personality. 
  12. You’re like my fridge: always full of yourself yet offering an abundance of empty calories. 
  13. There are so many paths in life. Why didn’t you choose the dark alleyway? 
  14. No matter how many shmucks I meet in my life, I can always trust you to be the absolute worst. 
  15. Did God make you with his eyes closed? 
  16. What did you want to be when you grew up? A pain in the ass? 
  17. Don’t place your self-worth in other’s hands. That being said, allow me to redirect you to the discount section. I found a spot for you. 
  18. Journey to the Center of the Earth was based on the quest to find where your head went after you shoved it up your own asshole. 
  19. A balloon full of piss makes a bigger splash than your entire meaningless existence will on this planet. 
  20. The truth will set you free. You suck. Ok, you’re free to go.

 

Mean Comebacks 

  1. The 0.01% of germs are afraid of contracting stupidity from you. 
  2. Are you normally this obnoxious, or is there some class you took? 
  3. There was some terrible traffic accident on the news today. I was hoping that it was you.  
  4. It takes me a lot of effort to smile when you’re around.
  5. I didn’t think it was possible to give me more reasons to hate you until today. 
  6. I wanted to live life without many regrets. Then I met you. 
  7. Last week’s test was on shapes and colors, but it appears like you might have to revisit that after today’s conversation. 
  8. Break a leg. No, seriously, break a leg. 
  9. How awful. I was just imagining the day of your birth in my head.  
  10. I’d have hired an exterminator if I knew you were gonna bug the shit out of me.

 

Funny Comebacks

  1. A glowstick has a brighter future than you. Lasts longer in bed, too. 
  2. I wrote something nice for you in invisible ink. Sorry, it must have washed off.
  3. The only person falling for you is blind. 
  4. You can be anything you want…except good looking. 
  5. Spontaneity is the spice of life, and you’re as plain as they come. 
  6. I really enjoy the silence of your company. Can you stop talking more often? 
  7. I’ve never been a great cook, but I still know how to roast your ass. 
  8. You’re lucky intelligence isn’t measured in negative numbers. 
  9. You have a lot in common with the wart on my toe: You’re hard to get rid of, and I can’t stand the pain you bring me daily. 
  10. Listen to your doubts. I think they’re onto something.
Riley Kane
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