WARNING: Offensive jokes. Only to be kept to yourself or told to friends as sick as you.
Some people just have really disgusting senses of humor and laugh at things which really shouldn’t be funny. If that’s you, congratulations! You’ve come to the right place.
If you do have a dark sense of humor, relax. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, with some studies even showing that those who enjoy dark humor jokes may even be more intelligent than the average person.
If black comedy does it for you, I’m sure you’ll love this definitive list of over 80 dark, sick and morbid jokes.
I know we started this list out with a warning, but here’s another one just in case: This is a collection of dark jokes. Dark humor focuses on parts of life we normally don’t like to talk about, such as death, disease, depression and disaster, and attempts to make these things a little less scary by looking at the funny side of them.
Some may find these jokes offensive, but since this article is labelled “86 jokes so dark we have to warn you twice”, we will assume you’re here by choice. Let’s begin…
Dark Humor Jokes to die for
My grief counsellor died.
He was so good, I don’t even care.
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person
Priest: “Do you have any last requests?”
Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”
Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!
I hope death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me. (ref)
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Morbid Medical Mirth
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”
Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
Patient: What condition?
Man with cancer: “How much time do I have left?”
Man with cancer: “Months? Weeks? Days?”
“… Nine. Eight …”
It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support. (ref)
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.
Next: F’ked Up Jokes
These Sad, Sad Jokes Are Seriously Funny
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Why can’t you get a book on how to commit suicide at a library?
Because you wouldn’t bring it back
What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
What makes sad people jump?
You’re not completely useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.
How do you know you’re ugly?
If you always get handed the camera for group photos.
Dark Humor Jokes so sick they should probably pull the plug
Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 metres of a school?
Because he’s dead
A man and a woman are walking through the woods at night when the woman says “I’m scared”.
“How do you think I feel?” The man replies. “I have to walk back alone.”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage
Grandma: Most people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?
Me: Most people your age are dead by now, why aren’t you?
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?
Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer
What’s the best part about turning 60?
No more calls from life insurance salesmen.
My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What’s the difference between a baby and a potato. About 140 calories.
What’s the special in a restaurant for cannibals?
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes
In New York, someone gets mugged every ten seconds.
I had a crush on my teacher, which was confusing, because I was homeschooled.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you.
But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
Life is like a peepee
It’s often hard for no reason
Where did Sharon go during the bombing?
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
A child molester and a priest walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
Why don’t cannibals eat comedians?
Because they taste funny!
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Next: 75 Stupid Jokes That Will Make You Burst Out Laughing
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back
I childproofed my house
Somehow they still got in!
My wife and I have decided we don’t want children.
The only problem is we already have three.
Wife: “I want another baby”
Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”
“Madam, your son just called me ugly!”
“I’m so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it’s wrong to judge people on their looks…”
What do you call people who use the rhythm method of contraception?
Despicable Dog Jokes
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull?
Just the pit bull.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don’t matter what you call it. It ain’t coming.
What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground
Boy: “Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas, please?”
Mom: “No, you’re getting turkey, like every year!“
Dark Jokes About Covid
People with Covid have no taste!
I have a joke about quarantine, but I don’t know if you’ll get it. It’s an inside joke.
I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid. They flu over your heads
What do you call it when everyone makes too many dumb Covid jokes?
Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? A: It’s a long story…
Since the pandemic started, my wife just stands there sadly looking through the window.
I should probably go let her in.
Next: 83 Brewtiful Coffee Puns & Jokes
Sizzling Hot Jokes About Climate Change
What do you call someone who won’t stop raving about how the world is going to end?
A climate scientist
I don’t have a carbon footprint …
I walk everywhere
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people
Jokes about death from the best comedians alive (and a few dead ones too)
‘Life is a terminal disease, and it is sexually transmitted.’ – John Cleese
Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time. – Robin Williams
“My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident” – Jimmy Carr
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it’s natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it’s natural causes. ‘Cause if you was younger, you’d have got out the way! – Chris Rock
“Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.” – Ricky Gervais
“I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.” – Anthony Jeselnik
“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” – Mel brooks
“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
“If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, “Heimlich maneuver,” and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say “Heimlich maneuver” when you’re choking to death.” – Eddie Izzard
“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” – George Carlin
“I intend to live forever or die trying.” —Groucho Marx
“’I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.”— Demetri Martin
“Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die” – Jimmy Carr
More pitch-black jokes by comedians
“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock
“British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!” – Jimmy Carr
“Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.” Jimmy Carr
“I gave my girlfriend something she didn’t expect for Valentine’s day…Chlamydia” – Frankie Boyle.
“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.” – Lee Mack
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Joan Rivers
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