55 Valentine’s Day Jokes

Because love and laughter go together like flowers and chocolates.

Valentine’s Day is all about love, and we’re sure you’ll adore this collection of jokes that see the funny side of the most romantic day of the year.

Whether you’re looking forward to spending February the 14th with someone special, using it as an opportunity to find love, or staying happily single and dodging Cupid’s arrows, you’ll find something to laugh at below. 

So get dressed up, pick some red roses, grab a box of chocolates and make a date with yourself to sit down at your computer and get ready to laugh at this crazy little thing called love.

 

55 Funny Jokes About Valentine’s Day

 

Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, February the 14th.

 

What’s a ram’s favorite Valentine’s Day song?
I only have eyes for ewe.

 

“Do you want to hang out on Valentine’s Day and eat small, Middle Eastern fruits?”
“It’s a date.”

 

If you’re female and single on Valentine’s Day, you can entertain yourself by running into restaurants and shouting “I knew I’d find you here, bastard!”

 

I am dating someone who works at a zoo. He’s a keeper.

 

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

 

Never date an apostrophe. They’re too possessive.

 

It’s cute when a boy carves your names into a tree.
Until you wonder why he brought a knife on a date.

 

Never date someone who likes to wave the national symbol of China around.
It’s a red flag.

 

I went to a wedding between two ariels. The reception was excellent.

 

I once dated an X-Ray technician. She could see right through me.

 

Man on a Valentine’s date: “Table for two please.”
Waiter: “Do you have reservations?”
Man on a Valentine’s date: “Yes I’m worried it’s going to be expensive”

 

Advice for married men: The best way to remember Valentine’s Day is to forget it once.

 

Never laugh at your girlfriend’s choices. You’re one of them.

 

What do you call celebrating Valentine’s Day by staying home alone and drinking whiskey?
Ballantine’s Day.

 

What do kayaks look for on Valentine’s Day?
Row-mance

 

What is Valentine’s Day known as to single people?
Independence Day. 

 

A man invited me for a 7-course Valentine’s Day meal.
When I got there he gave me a hot dog and a six pack of beer.

 

What’s the hardest part about taking a blind woman out for Valentine’s Day?
Getting her husband’s voice just right.

 

I got my wife an Abacus for Valentine’s Day.
It’s the little things that count.

 

I got my girlfriend perfume for Valentine’s Day.
I guess I’m just scent-imental. 

 

Roses are red, violets are blue.
Vodka costs less than dinner for two.

 

What did the magnet say to the refrigerator?
I find you very attractive.

 

What did Frankenstein say to his bride?
Be my Valenstein.

 

What do online dating and online shopping have in common?
Sometimes you don’t get what you ordered.

 

I’m going to spend Valentine’s Day with my true love.
Food.

 

A comedian is taking me out for Valentine’s Day.
I hope he doesn’t get any funny ideas.

 

What did the plate say to the bowl on Valentine’s Day?
Tonight, dinner’s on me.

 

Why did the cigarette fall in love?
It found the perfect match.

 

What do you call it when you only go out with people who are out of your league?
Intimi-dating.

 

I’m dating an Entomologist. 
She gives me butterflies.

 

Who always has a date on Valentine’s Day?
The calendar.

 

My wife said she wanted something long and hard for Valentine’s Day.
I said she could reorder the filing cabinet.

 

I met my girlfriend on Twitter. We’re Tweet hearts.

 

I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, but I celebrate the day after.
Half-price chocolates day.

 

Single people celibate on Valentine’s Day.

 

Woman: Why did you only get me a gift the day after Valentine’s Day?
Man: It’s Choco-late

 

When you fall in love with someone you get a tingling feeling.
It’s your common sense leaving your body.

 

Two bedbugs fell in love on Valentine’s Day. They got married in the spring.

 

A nymphomaniac is a women who is as obsessed with sex as an average man.

 

How do you save money on Valentine’s Day?
Switch to single!

 

Adam and Eve never had a date. They had an apple.

 

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $50 steak? 
Valentine’s Day.

 

Why did the boy bat take the girl bat out for Valentine’s Day? 
She was fun to hang around with.

 

What do vegetables say to each other on Valentine’s Day?
Lettuce be lovers.

 

What do cavemen give cavewomen on Valentine’s Day?
Ugs and kisses.

 

Girl: I can’t be your Valentine for medical reasons.
Boy: Which medical reasons. 
Girl: You make me sick.

 

What did the painter say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
I love you with all my art.

 

Valentine’s Day is so close I can almost smell the roses I’m not going to get.

 

Why didn’t the male geologist give the female geologist a Valentine’s Day gift?
Their relationship was plutonic.

 

Where did the piece of wood meat his Valentine?
On Tinder.

 

I didn’t get my wife something big this year.
I got her something Valen-tiny.

 

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyoncé.

 

The sugar and the cream fell in love.
It was the icing on the cake.

Daniel Friedman
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