The 82 Very Best Chuck Norris Jokes

The 82 Very Best Chuck Norris Jokes

Some may think that “Chuck Norris Facts” are just satirical jokes and memes about the American martial arts action movie star. You may know that Chuck Norris jokes appeared somewhere around 2005, were picked up by Conan O’Brien and SNL, and later became a global Internet meme.

What you probably don’t know is that every single one of these facts is true, Chuck Norris is actually a superhuman being and is capable of feats unimaginable to mere mortals. 

Treat this article as an enchuckopedia of facts that may help you survive the encounter with the Legend-Man himself. 

Although I wouldn’t count on it. You’ll only walk away intact if Chuck Norris himself wants it.

82 Chuck Norris Jokes, Real Life Facts And True Stories

When Chuck Norris stares into the abyss, the abyss nervously looks away.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Chuck Norris went to college, he told his father “You’re the man of the house now”.

COVID-19 is desperate to develop a vaccine against Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When lightning strikes Chuck Norris, the sky gets a scar.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris can kill seven with one blow. By literally blowing on them.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a bat. In response, Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman.

Chuck Norris once took LSD just to give his hallucinations a bad trip.

Chuck Norris hates ties! He prefers wins instead.

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Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to season his meat.

Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.

When the teacher wanted to talk to Chuck Norris, he had to raise his hand.

— 19th of 82 Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Tornadoes are actually a result of Chuck Norris punching the wind.

Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.

When Chuck Norris steps on a lego, the lego cries.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

The “Roundhouse kick” name was born when Chuck Norris kicked around an entire house.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Universe into existence. They called it The Big Bang.

Scientists say our Universe is constantly expanding. It’s actually running away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ Hawaiian vacation house is on a volcano, ‘cause who doesn’t like a nice jacuzzi?

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

The Dead Sea was alive before Chuck Norris swam there.

When Chuck Norris tips the waiter, the waiter falls down.

Burger King made their slogan “Have it your way” after Chuck Norris walked in and ordered a Big Mac.

Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.

Chuck Norris only goes to sleep to let the Earth rest.

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For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

The seismic scale actually has a magnitude above 9, it’s called “the Chuck Norris’ Sneeze”.

When Chuck Norris is in Rome, the Romans do as Chuck Norris does.

After Chuck Norris hits the gym, it needs to shut down for repairs.

When Chuck Norris can’t go to the gym, he goes shop lifting.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was too close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind.

Chuck Norris never needs to flush the toilet. He just scares the crap out of it.

Chuck Norris once hit a huge rock with his golf club. We now call it the Moon.

The Swiss Army uses Chuck Norris Knives.

— 46th of 82 Chuck Norris Jokes

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris drops a sandwich, it keeps hanging in the air above the ground.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

When Chuck Norris’ parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.

Chuck Norris thinks, therefore the World is.

They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t tough enough for his beard.

Chuck Norris has punched people so hard that their blood started bleeding.

When Chuck Norris drinks a bottle of beer, he literally drinks the bottle.

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Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gives his wife a still-beating heart every Valentine’s day.

Chuck Norris can get a woman pregnant by pointing at her and saying “Booyah!”

Chuck Norris’ heartbeat sounds like the US national anthem.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use sanitizers, he just contracts his muscles and the germs drop off.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

— 64th of 82 Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it actually affects the world economy.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe air, he breathes fear.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

When Chuck Norris needs an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

There are no streets named after Chuck Norris because no one would ever cross Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris mines bitcoin with a pen and paper.

Chuck Norris can beat Tetris in 5 seconds. He doesn’t even need to play.

Chuck Norris can use the Crane Kung Fu Style to lift a building.

There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that their ancestors felt it.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris doesn’t turn the shower on. He just stares at it until it starts to cry.

Chuck Norris’ trash throws itself out.

Chuck Norris eats coconuts without removing the shell.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris eats bullets for breakfast. Better not be around when he burps.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned up the sun.

Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard.

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