The 82 Very Best Harry Potter Jokes

Back in 2001 when we first watched Harry Potter, we were fascinated by the world of magic, and ever since we spent our childhood waiting for the Hogwarts letter. Harry Potter movies and books are classic stories that are enjoyed by many children and adults today! 

Jokes are one of the greatest ways to connect with our kids and loved ones, so, that’s why we put together this magical list with puns and harry potter jokes that will even make Moaning Myrtle laugh. 

Are you ready to raise the level of Gryffinndorphins while reading these jokes? 

82 of the Best Harry Potter Jokes

On a scale from one to ten, how much do you love Hogwarts? Nine and three quarters. 

What do Azkaban prisoners use to freshen their breath? Dementos! 

Why doesn’t Voldemort use glasses? No one nose! 

What does a wizard say when he gets robbed by a muggle? Somebody muggled me! 

What social media channel does Voldemort use? Instagram, because he wants more followers! 

Why did Snape hate herbology? Because his lily died. 

What did The Dark Lord envy from Harry? His nose! 

What would Harry Potter be if he didn’t when to Hogwarts? A python programmer. 

What is Harry’s favorite mood? Sirius. 

What program do you use to edit your photos? A Dobby Photoshop. 

Why did Harry Potter get detention? Because he was cursing during class. 

You take my breath away! – said Harry to the dementors. 

Harry: The Dark Lord has risen again! Dumbledore: Are you Sirius? Harry: No, I’m Harry! 

Why did Neville always sit on two chairs? Because he is a Longbottom. 

How does Ron enter his room? Through the Gryffindor. 

Why didn’t Draco become friends with Harry? Because he was running out of breath while saying Harry’s last name. 

Why do two Quidditch players share the same room? Because they are Broom-mates. 

Why did Harry sign up for the gym? Because he loved the dumbbell doors. 

How much does it cost Harry Potter and Ron to go to the match? A quid each!

— 20th of 80 Harry Potter Jokes

Why didn’t Lord Voldemort use perfume? Because he couldn’t smell it! 

What do Lord Voldemort and a teenage girl have in common? A diary! 

Next: The Ultimate Harry Potter Quiz!

Sirius: Voldemort is after something he didn’t have last time. Harry: A nose? 

What is a wizard’s favorite drink? Espresso Patronum 

Why did you put so much ginger on the soup? Because it’s a Weasley! 

How do they call thugs in Hogwarts? Swagrid 

Someone: Aren’t you a little too old to obsess with Harry Potter? Me: No one asked your opinion you little Mudblood.

How did Harry Potter convince McGonagall to join the quidditch team? He said: “I got 99 problems but a snitch ain’t one!”

Did you poured some Felix Felicis in my drink because I think I’m about to get lucky! 

Voldemort: So how do you grow a nose? Pinocchio: Just lie! 

Why is there always an empty cloth hanger? That’s where I keep my invisibility cloak! 

Top reasons why girls don’t go to the bathroom alone: Hermione got attacked by a troll, Myrtle died, Ginny got abducted! 

The shorter version of Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix would look like this: “Harry: Welcome Sir, what would you like to order? Phoenix: One Rib eye, please! Harry: One Rib eye coming right up!” 

I love Harry Potter movies. Me too, I a-dumbledore them! 

What did Voldemort tell to Snape? Why so Sirus? 

How do you enter a magical gym? Through a Dumbbell door. 

How much did you pay to watch a Harry Potter movie? A quid each!

What was Mad-Eye-Moody’s disadvantage as a teacher? He could control his pupils. 

Why did Hermione fall in love with Ron? Because he loved grangerous adventures! 

What did Hermione tell Ron when he got home for Christmas? Ron voyage!

— 40th of 80 Harry Potter Jokes

What social media channel did Slytherins use? Snapechat! 

What does Harry say when he is angry? Godric dammit! 

How do you call Bellatrix’s mood? A resting witch face! 

What do witches say when they are rumoring? Spell the tea! 

What did Dobby say to Harry Potter during the pandemic? Harry Potter can’t go to Hogwarts this year because the classes will be held online! 

How does an electrician free Dobby? With a shock! 

You don’t like Harry Potter jokes? There’s something Ron with you! 

Why did it take Harry so long to find all Horcurxes? Because he was looking in all the Ron places. 

What kind of shoes does Harry Potter hate the most? Horcors! 

What band would be Bellatrix in if she was a musician? Jazzkaban! 

What gift do elf parents make their kids when they turn 18? A pair of socks! 

Next: 77 Harry Potter Spells

Where was Harry sleeping in his aunt’s house? In the smallest broom of the house! 

Why did Voldemort change his name? Because it was a Riddle! 

Why were the books so huge in Hogwarts? Because spells come in all Snapes and sizes. 

What was the catchphrase Harry told to Ginny? You really stupify me! 

Why was everyone scared of Sirius? Because of Black magic! 

What happens when Hermione is around? Granger things! 

Why is Hermione so mature? Because she doesn’t jump to Ron conclusions! 

What did Dumbledore tell Harry? Neville, give up! 

What is a Hufflepuff’s favorite song lyric? Every day we hufflin’!

— 60th of 80 Harry Potter Jokes

What do you call a bearded man who survives? Hairy Potter

Why is black your favorite color? Because it’s Sirius.

Why doesn’t Garrick Ollivander own a house? Because he is a wand-erer. 

What’s a dementors theme song? “You take my breath away.”

Why is Nagini so special to Voldemort? Because she gives him goodnight hisses. 

Why did Ron ask Hagrid for an autograph? Because he is a giant fan! 

What does Voldemort wear at home? Horcrocs!

How does Malfoy get in his bed? He slithers in!

Why don’t dementors drink coffee? Because they hate Espresso Patronum. 

Why was Voldemort trying to get into Harry’s mind? He was nosy! 

I like all the actors in Harry Potter movies except one! I feel that Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed. 

Why was Severus so angry with Harry? Because he made fun of someone on Snape Chat. 

The four first books of Harry Potter were fun, after the fifth one the situation became dead Sirius.

Why didn’t Dobby got the job he applied to? Because he said that he has no Master. 

What is Harry’s favorite alcohol? I don’t know, probably something Ginny! 

Knock, knock. Who is there? You know? You-know-who? EXACTLY, AVADA KEDAVRA!

Why do you keep watching Harry Potter movies so often? I chant get enough of these movies! 

What do you say when someone offers you an Espresso Patronum? Of curse you can’t refuse it! 

What does Hermione say to Ron when they plan to go out? Don’t worry, owl be there.

Why was Harry hesitant to fight Voldemort? There are Severus factors to consider. 

What does Molly say to her children? Don’t be a-Fred in school!

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