Dad Jokes and their hilarity might have conquered the internet in the past few years but you all have to admit it, moms are infinitely funnier most of the time, and usually without even meaning to! Mom aren’t only hysterical but they’re usually the first ones to laugh at their one flaws! Moms seem like they are truly able to do everything, as well as laugh dads under the table. When moms joke, they tend to be snipers for their kids and their own bad habits, which make their jokes even funnier!
No matter whether your mom is the funny one in the family or she could really do with a good ol’ laugh, these jokes are sure to keep you and her entertained for a while!
Being a mom is hard and while moms do get a lot of credit for what they’re doing, no one can really understand what they’re going through unless they’ve been in her shoes!
Whether you’re looking at this article because you want to send it to your veteran mom, or you are yourself the mom, we’re here to help you cackle for a while and take your mind off the never-ending chores and family-juggling.
Best Mom Jokes Of All Time
1. *In Mary Poppin’s voice* Kids, time to go!
15 minutes later
*Christian Bale’s Batman voice* I said let’s go.
2. *When my kid tells me they got hurt doing exactly what I told them to stop doing so they wouldn’t get hurt.* Oh noooooo…~
3. “It’s really really spicy,” and “It has alcohol in it,” are both universal mom code phrases for “I don’t want to give you any.”
4. A mother’s main diet is her child’s leftovers.
5. A poem for my child:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are—
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH?
6. A police officer was asked what they would do if they had to arrest their mother. They responded that they would call for backup!
7. A toddler can do more things in a single unsupervised minute than most adults can do in a week.
8. Becoming a mom means your kid is the one who’s up drinking all night but you end up the one hungover in the morning.
9. Behind every picture taken at home there’s a mom who’s shoving random crap out of the frame so it can look like the house is clean.
10. Being a mom has taught me that the main cause of dehydration in small children is bedtime.
11. Being a mom is a constant dilemma between turning in early to catch up on sleep or staying up to finally get a little me-time.
12. Being a mom is great and all, but have you ever had the house all to yourself for two hours?
13. Being a mom is like you constantly have to clean up after a party you didn’t attend. (ref)
14. Being a mom is like you’re a superhero. Everyone is somewhat afraid of you and you keep warding off monsters from destroying everything.
15. Being a mom means saying things like “I love you to the moon and beyond but if you don’t get ready in five minutes, I will haunt your dreams for the next five years.”
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16. Being a stay-at-home mom would be pretty awesome if it wasn’t for all these children and all their needs.
17. Child: Mom, please! I need some personal space!
Mom: Should have thought of that before you popped out my personal space!
18. Child: Stop making jokes you’re not funny.
Mom: Well, I made you.
19. Every mom wants her kids to have everything she couldn’t afford…. Then move in with them!
20. Every mother ever: I’m warning you, If you fall and break your legs, don’t come running to me!
21. From what I have learned as a mom, motherhood means repeatedly getting up right after you had just sat down one second ago.
22. Guide for baking with your children:
Step 1: Don’t.
23. How can you get the kids to be quiet?
Say mum’s the word.
24. How come the house was so tidy on Mother’s Day?
Mom spent all Saturday tidying up.
25. How many bottles should you have when you’ve got a toddler?
Two. One for baby and one for mommy.
26. How many moms does it take to change the lightbulb in the bathroom?
One, of course, and she’ll do it, otherwise it won’t get changed, ever!
27. I child-proofed my house but my kids can still get in!
28. I could write a book about being a mom but it would just be a rant about doing everything on my own framed by cocktail recipes.
29. I go by Mom, but my full name is “Mom Mom Mom Mom.”
30. I googled my symptoms and it turns out I have kids.
31. I hate it when I’m waiting for my mom to make lunch, and then I recall that I’m mom and I have to make lunch.
32. I must admit I’ve never done CrossFit, but I have buckled a screaming child into a car seat several times.
33. I opened the first little door on my Moms Advent Calendar and a pile of dirty laundry fell out.
34. I really want my kids to be head-strong and strong-willed individuals, just not while I’m raising them!
35. I used to be a snack but now that I’m a mom I’m a Happy Meal. I come with toys and kids.
36. I used to watch horror movies for entertainment. Now I just watch my children bake in my kitchen.
37. I usually only let crazy mom out a few times a month, just enough so that the kids are always aware she exists.
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38. I’d love to be one of those Pinterest moms that make their own shampoo and bake elaborate gingerbread houses for Christmas but I’m leaning more towards, “Today I took a shower, kept my kids alive, and only cried once.”
39. I’m fairly certain Moms are just a part of a scientific experiment to prove that sleep is not needed in order to survive.
40. I’m sorry, please excuse the mess. My children are busy making memories feral.
41. If a mom doesn’t have a used gift bag full of other used gift bags, is she even a mom?
42. If evolution really worked moms would have more than two hands.
43. If you are not yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them. (ref)
44. If you ever need a moment to yourself just shout “1, 2, 3, mom is lava!” and you will get a few moments to enjoy your coffee in peace.
45. If you want to nap with kids at home, just tell them, “Wake me up in half an hour so we can do chores!” They’ll do anything to avoid waking you up.
46. Kid 1: My mom is gonna have a new baby!
Kid 2: Why, what’s wrong with the old one?
47. Kid: Mom, can I have $20?
Mom: Am I made of money?
Kid: Wait, that’s not what M.O.M. means?
48. Let mommy have her alone time. According to the Internet, there are several species who eat their young, and your mom might just be one of them!
49. Me and another couple veteran moms were asked to write parenting advice in a guestbook for a baby shower, so I just left them my favorite daiquiri recipe.
50. Me at my teen: Tidy up your room, we’re having guests.
Teen: I didn’t realize we’ll be eating in my room.
Me at my teen: Well, with all these dishes, cups, and cutlery in here, might as well.
51. Me to my kid: Mommy needs a little space, sweety.
My kid, perched on my head: Why?
52. Me: I love being a mom. Being a mom is so fulfilling!
Also me: *googling* “How do I fake my own coma?”
53. Mom on Social Media: Making cupcakes with the kids! Love them so much! #blessed
Moms, actually: YOU’RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER. STEP ASIDE! MOVE! LET ME DO IT!
54. Mom sleep: It’s like regular sleep but without the sleep.
55. Mom: I’ll think about it!
Narrator: Mom never remotely thought about it. She was aware it was ‘no’ the whole time and just wanted everyone to shut up.
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56. Moms don’t drink to cope, moms drink because babies are small drunks and they want to level with them!
57. Most moms would love to have a long nice nap for their birthday but they’re also adults so they know they can’t ask for impossible things!
58. Most of the things I say to my kids after 6 p.m. end with “or you could just go to bed now!”
59. Motherhood is when changing out of pjs to get into yoga pants can qualify as “getting dressed.
60. Motherhood means that you sometimes you just need to send yourself to your room!
61. Motherhood: ‘cause peeing in private is overrated.
62. My book is gonna be called: “This is an awesome hike where we can take the kids+other things with which you can threaten your husband.”
63. My car would maybe be cleaner if I didn’t allow my kids to eat in it, but maybe I just don’t want to drive down a highway with someone screaming in my ear like a possum stuck in a pool drain.
64. My children asked me what it’s like to be a mom. So, I woke them up at 2 a.m. to ask them if unicorns poop rainbows.
65. My daughter asked me how it felt to have the greatest daughter in the world. I told her I didn’t know and that she should ask her grandma!
66. My favorite recipe for a Freddo espresso as a mother of three:
– Have children
– Brew coffee
– Forget that I’ve brewed coffee
– Pop the coffee in the microwave
– Forget it in the microwave
– Drink it ice-cold.
67. My homeschooling style during the pandemic was similar to that of the substitute teacher: Roll in the tv for a movie and eat snacks in the back while it plays.
68. My kid asked me if I was happy while I was tucking them in. I responded that I was on cloud wine.
69. My kids, When I’ve already told them no over twenty times: “So… you’re saying there’s a chance..?”
70. My mom’s voice is sometimes so loud that even the neighbors brush their teeth and get ready.
71. My mom when I was a kid: That’s what’s for food, deal with it.
My mom as a Grandma: Do you want your sandwich cut into stars or triangles?
72. Never yell at your kids. Lean in and whisper instead; it’s much scarier.
73. No one is ever fuller of futile hope than a mom placing things on the stairs so that the family can carry them upstairs.
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74. No one tells you that it’s never really Mother’s Day…it’s more like Mother’s 13 whole minutes to half an hour, tops.
75. No one’s more full of crap than a mom who said “Maybe.”
76. Nothing ever gets actually lost until mom looks for it and can’t find it!
77. One mom asks another: “How do you get your kids up in the morning”
“Oh, I just put the cat in their bed,” she replies.
“How does that help?” the first mom wonders.
“Well, see, the dog is already there.”
78. Other moms: Oh my god, sweetie, are you okay? Here, let’s get this cleaned up. You’re fine.
Me: Well, maybe if you listened to me when I told you not to do such stupid things you would be fine now, wouldn’t you?
79. Parenting books never prepared me for my teen hoarding all of the dishes and cutlery in their bedroom! When you have more than one kid you finally realize that naming them is pointless as they all end up being called “whichever one you are”!
80. People who say they’ve slept like a baby clearly never had one!
81. Renting a bouncy castle for my kid’s party was a little expensive but one can’t really put a price on the bliss of being left alone!
82. She thought she could do it, and she nearly did… however, someone asked her repetitively for a snack, so she absolutely lost track of what she was doing.
83. Showering as a mom is similar to an Olympic sport. People keep calling your name and you’re rushing to finish in record time.
84. Silence is gold! …Unless you’re a mom with little children. Then it is suspicious!
85. Some days I go to yoga and don’t yell at my kids. Some others I scream at them while eating cake by the handful over the kitchen sink. It’s a thing called balance.
86. Some days I wish I was the load of laundry that’s sitting in my dryer. That way I could just chill in a dark, warm, and quiet space and everyone would just ignore me for a week straight.
87. Sometimes it feels like my kids can smell me relaxing.
88. That awkward moment when your child says their toy isn’t making sounds anymore, and you have act shocked as if you haven’t taken the batteries out the previous night.
89. The Daytime child:
Thinks water is disgusting.
Pisses in their pants.
Only talks about poop and farts.
Thinks I am a mean poo head and they hate me.
Often attempts to die by parkouring inside the house.
The Bedtime kid:
Has a thirst that is just unquenchable.
Needs to go to the toilet every three minutes.
Wants to debate the nature of existence.
Needs all of their 23 special friends in bed with them.
Loves mommy to the moon and back.
Is too worried about death to fall sleep.
90. The scariest seconds of a mom’s life is when she absently licks something brown off her finger, until she realizes it’s just chocolate spread.
91. There are moments when I hope my kid’s sass will help them lead a company and not a prison gang.
92. There are some times when you realize the kids have fallen asleep over an hour ago and you’ve been watching Bubble Guppies alone.
93. There is this urban legend that if you’re in the bathroom and scream “Mom” thrice, the door will open and your mom will hand you the towel you forgot to take in with you.
94. This morning I spent ten minutes helping my kid search for their chocolate that I ate last night.
95. Throwback to when my child ate everything I made without whining.
*Holds up old pregnancy ultrasound*
96. To Mom: “I’m bored!”, “I’m tired!”, “I’m hungry!”, “I can’t find my shoes!”, “Where are you?”
To Dad: “Where’s mommy?”
97. Trying to clean the house when you’re a mom is like trying to shovel snow while it’s still snowing.
98. What did mama shark say to teen shark?
Don’t be sharkastic at me!
99. What did the baby grizzlies give their mom?
A bear hug!
100. What did the child say when their mom gave them grilled cheese?
“This might be cheesy, but I think you are grate.”
101. What did the digital clock say to its mom?
“Look, mom! No hands!”
102. What did the Egyptian child say when it was afraid?
“I want my mummy.”
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103. What did the kid corn say to the mom corn?
Ma, where’s Popcorn?
104. What did the mama broom say to the baby broom?
Time for sweep!
105. What did the mama horse say to her foal?
“It’s pasture bedtime.”
106. What did the mama rope say to the baby rope?
Stop being knotty!
107. What did the mom-spider say to teen-spider?
“You spend all your time on the web.”
108. What did the son say to his mother after seeing her for the first time in ten years?
“Oh, good, I have so much laundry.”
109. What do moms and freshmen have in common?
110. What do you call a little mom?
A Minimum. (ref)
111. What is a jacket?
Something you wear when your mom’s cold.
112. What is a mom’s favorite flower?
113. What is that kind of ship that can hardly stay afloat, but somehow never sinks and can still function?
114. What kind of bags do moms collect?
115. What really gets me going through the day is all the junk food I’m gonna eat after my kids are in bed!
116. What’s a mother’s favorite bean?
A coffee bean
117. What’s a mother’s favorite dinner?
Anything she doesn’t have to make herself
118. What’s the difference between a hyperactive puppy and a toddler?
Puppies can be trained!
119. What’s the name of that song about sexy moms?
Mombo number 5.
120. When a child says “Daddy, I want mommy,” that’s the child version of “I want to speak to a manager.”
121. When I became a mom I knew there was gonna be a lot of crying but no one prepared me that I would be doing most of it.
122. When I tell my kids to get dressed, they seem to think it means sitting around naked watching tv with one sock on.
123. When you are a mom, you finally understand why the Mama Bear’s porridge was the cold one!
124.When you’re a mom, sleeping in means staying in bed while you’re trying to figure out what that thump was.
125. Whenever my children become unruly and wild, I use a safe and comfy playpen. When they’re not wild anymore, I come out.
126. Whenever someone tells me my kid is an angel I whisper back that so was Lucifer.
127. Why are computers so smart?
Because they listen to the motherboard.
128. Why aren’t there any Mother’s Day sales?
Because moms are priceless.
129. Why did the vanilla cookie cry?
Because his mommy was a wafer so long!
130. Why do kangaroo mamas don’t like rainy days?
Because their joys will have to play inside.
131. Why do toddlers would make great parole officers?
Because they never let anyone finish a sentence!
132. Why is “mom” a palindrome word?
Because all days look identical front to back.
133. Why is it so expensive for a mom to visit the optometrist?
Because moms also have eyes in the back of the head.
134. Why was the mama-firefly so pleased?
Because her children were all quite bright!
135. You know you’re a mom when you’ve been washing the same load of laundry over and over again because you forget to dry it!