Writing jokes is no laughing matter. How do you make somebody laugh if you can’t tickle them? What is the secret formula for making sure your jokes are funny and not boring? The answer? Don’t worry about it, if your readers don’t get the joke, the jokes on them.
Silly Jokes That Are Actually Funny
Q: What is blue and smells like paint?
A: Blue Paint.
Q: Mom why can’t they say my name in School?
A: Shut up Candyman.
Q: Why can’t the German Sheppard guard sheep?
A: Because they are French.
Q: What does an orphan ask for at Pizza Hut?
A: A Family Pizza.
Your mother is so fat; she sat on an iPhone and made it into an iPad.
Q: Dear, do you believe in marriage?
A: Yeah, I like fantasy stories.
Q: Why are Bilbo’s shirts always dirty?
A: He’s got ring around the collar.
You are my favorite drug, Samantha, you cost a lot of money are you are ruining my life.
Q: Mom, can I pierce my nose?
A: Don’t be silly, Voldemort.
Q: How do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter, he won’t come.
Q: Why do democrats throw their computers into the sea?
A: To surf the web.
Men are like cars, if you don’t drive them, they don’t go anywhere.
Q: Why are men like computers?
A: They only work for you if you turn them on.
Your mama is so ugly, coyotes light campfires so she won’t get near.
Your mama is so dumb; she puts out her hand to see if it’s raining when she rides a motorcycle.
Q: Hey, Jack, do you like snake charmers?
A: Yeah, they are charming.
If life is fair why do roses have thorns?
Louise: “I’m worried I might be pregnant.” Thelma: “But your husband had his vasectomy.” Louise: “Precisely.”
Twitter: Poor man’s psychologist.
Man: “Father, I’ve been married for 15 years.” Priest: “But that’s not a sin, my son.” Man: “Then why do I feel such regret about it?”
Next: The Funniest What Do You Call Jokes
Q: There is a paper signed by a judge that speaks of how much I love you.
A: Yeah, it’s a restraining order.
My girlfriend tells me I should not make so many plans. Well, she’s not my girlfriend quite yet.
I loaned $500 to a blind man. He told me he would pay me the next time he sees me.
Q: What did one diaper tell another?
A: I hate shitty kids.
Twitter: where famous people act like fools, and fools act like famous people.
The good thing about getting Alzheimer’s is that you meet new people all the time.
Q: Johnny, aren’t you tired of drinking so much?
A: No, I sit down when I drink.
Betty: “Can I have a medium pizza?” Jack: “Six or twelve slices?” Betty: “Six, I could never eat 12 by myself.”
If you love somebody let them go. If they come back, leave them so they know how it feels.
My neighbor was a vampire: When I dug a stake in his heart, he died.
Bob: “You are like fried chicken.” Betty: “Delicious?” Bob: “No, really greasy!”
Q: Why are a bungee and a condom the same?
A: If they bust, your life is over.
Pete: Daddy, daddy, what does it mean to steal?
Bob: Shut up and keep running.
Jenny: “Welcome to Starbucks, how can I help you?”
Bob: “I want a frappuccino.”
Jenny: “Will you be uploading that to Instagram?”
You are like my teddy bear: I love sleeping with you but I don’t want my friends to see you.
Q: How did Karen purify her water?
A: She threw it off the roof to kill the microbes.
Q: What is the cop doing at the beach?
A: He’s waiting for a crime wave.
Q: How are men like a computer mouse?
A: They only work if you drag them around.
Your baby is so ugly that when you took him to get baptized, the priest told you they only do exorcisms on Thursdays.
“Mom, will you buy me a prom dress?” “No.” “What about prom shoes?” “No.” “Why no, mom?” “I said no, Johnny!”
Next: Laffy Taffy Jokes
“Did you know beer has female hormones? When you drink too much, you also talk too much, and you can’t drive.”
“Taxi driver, follow that car!” “Sorry sir, I don’t use Twitter”.
There was a fish who wanted to be on the radio. We went on the air and died.
Bob “Hi gorgeous, will you give me your phone?” Betty: “Obviously not, you weirdo.” “No. I mean hand over your cell phone, this is a holdup.”
Q: “Where do Mayans come from?”
Q: What’s the difference between Karen and a kidnapper?
A: “You can negotiate with the kidnapper.”
Karen sent her husband a text message to tell him he had forgotten his cell phone at home.
Karen got upset because she put her cell phone on airplane mode and it still didn’t fly.
Karen dropped her cell phone and then called to ask if everybody was ok.
Karen went to Las Vegas and was happy because she won on all the machines, but now she doesn’t know what to do with so many cans of Coca-Cola.
Karen was very happy because she managed to finish the jigsaw puzzle in just one week, and on the box, it said 4-5 years.
There are three kinds of people in the world, the ones who know how to count and me.
Boy: “You want to dance with me?” Girl: “Sure but what about my friend?” Boy: “Security!”
Grandma: “Now, Johnny, if you want to make something of yourself, you have to go and get it. Now shut up and let me listen to the lotto numbers!”
911: “Police Department, how can I help you?” Bob: “Two girls are fighting for me.” 911: “What’s wrong with that?” Bob: “The fat one is winning!”
Betty: “My uncle finally is resting in peace.” Bob: “I didn’t know your uncle died.” Betty: “No, the one who died was my aunt.”
There was a carton of milk that lived in the fridge. He turned bad and killed everybody.
Dear Santa, I was good this year. Well, not so good. Well, actually I’ll just buy my own gifts, okay?
Q: Why did Karen call the cops at the baseball game?
A: So they wouldn’t steal any bases.
Q: Why did Karen put a big rock on her radio?
A: To listen to rock and roll.
Next: 56 What’s the Difference Between Jokes
Q: Why did Karen put a stone on her radio?
A: To listen to the rolling stones.
Q: Why are guys like snot?
A: You throw them out, but there are always new ones.
Q: What month are men less stupid?
A: February because it only has 28 days.
Q: Why do women drive so badly?
A: Because all the driving teachers are men.
Q: How do men think?
A: Gotcha! Men don’t think.
Your mama is so ugly when she goes into the house of mirrors, it becomes the haunted house.
Betty: “Do you like this dress?” Bob: “I’m blind.” Betty: “Oh, sorry, you’re right, lets go watch some television instead.”
Q: What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
To the guy who stole my antidepressant, I hope you are happy now.
An astronomer got tired of watching the moon 24 hours, so he called it a day.
Q: What do you call a snake exactly 3.14 meters long?
A: A pie-thon.
There is a big difference between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people finds this funny.
Mountains are hill-areas.
The Hulk is the original green giant.
The mouse suspected the chicken of fowl play.
Q: What is the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle?
A: A tire.
Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
A: It got stuck on a crack.
I hurt my foot driving the other day. I called a toe company.
Q: What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Q: Why did the police arrest the duck?
A: It was selling quack.
Next: Jokes for Teens
If two vegans fight, are they having a beef?
I bought some shoes and I think the guy who sold them to me was a drug dealer because they were laced.
Q: What do you call a magic dog?
A: A labracadaba
Q: What do you call a chicken with lettuce-eyes?
A: Chicken Cesar a salad.
Q: Who does the pharaoh talk to when he’s sad?
A: His mummy.
Q: What do you call a dog in the North Pole?
A: A chili dog.
Q: What do you call a dog in the desert?
A: A hot dog.
Q: What do you call a dog when he’s not there?
Q: What do you call a cat on catnip?
A: A catastrophe.
155 Dad Jokes // 86 Dark Humor Jokes // 50 Offensive Jokes
37 Deez Nuts Jokes // 80 Chuck Norris Jokes // 75 Yo Mama Jokes
55 Inappropriate Jokes