100 Funny Insults that Will Make Your Day

Sometimes, when we want to blow off steam, we need to have a good comeback before silly arguments turn into a full altercation. If you are of dark humour, then we have got a treat for you. These can easily throw your opponent off their feet and have them quiet for a while.

Below are some really great and hilariously funny insults for you to mutter under your breath, and if need be, you can tweak them to suit you. I love reading through them and imagining that that is what I would have said, but I don’t think I would have the courage to use any of them on anyone in the spirit of peace. 

Disclaimer: These are not meant to cause quarrels and should not be used In a heated argument. They are only to be used for personal reasons or with friends you consider close. Please do take care before you get physically hurt.

Have fun reading

100 Friendly Insults And Great Comebacks

  1. Your nasty behaviour is the reason for your receding hairline.
  2. Silence is the best answer for a fool
  3. The salt on this food is enough to kill an earthworm. 
  4. You’re not glowing, honey; you’re basically bathed in oil
  5. If you could smell you, you wouldn’t be friends with you.
  6. Heaven knows if you were taller, you wouldn’t get any boyfriends. 
  7. I know I make stupid choices, but you’re the worst of all my choices
  8. Being friends with you is only useful if I’m looking to have a good time
  9. You’ve been trying to get your summer body since two winters ago
  10. Serial killers would run mad if they tried to make you a victim.
  11. Why can’t you be like other rom-com friends? You’re not supportive.
  12. If you added any more weight, the elevator wouldn’t move
  13. You can attract bees with honey; in your case, it’s flies and faeces. 
  14. Even if you married, you’d still be single
  15. You are the only friend in our group who’s going to hell
  16. You have been getting your life together for two years, and I don’t think it wants to be gotten
  17. If I have kids, I will just purposefully forget them at school
  18. Why would you want to have babies? Don’t pass your dumb genes to an innocent child
  19. I hate you. All your calories go to your big head and not your body
  20. Please clean out this apartment. It’s called being a plant Mom, not being a plant undertaker
  21. Your writing is not made for the big screen, maybe for the small screen, a phone screen. 
  22. Talking to you is like stepping on a leaf in autumn and hearing no crunch- disappointment.
  23. I am so single; I wake up to ‘battery full’ every morning.
  24. Why are you giving me 100 missed calls? Is it a call to glory?
  25. I can’t believe I have to work to make money. 
  26. Thank God the kids don’t have my surname. Stupid doesn’t run in my family.
  27. You actually look nice today. You deserve a cookie. 
  28. I knew that it could only be you. Nonsense follows you. 
  29. You got 97 because that was all you could get, and I got 100 because that was all there was to get.
  30. Your eyebrows look like eagle’s wings
  31. I did not pick up the phone because I’m ignoring you
  32. Taking a picture of you would put a virus on my phone
  33. Call me back when you’re ready to be an adult
  34. No one noticed when you left; that’s how insignificant you are
  35. Can we normalize telling you that you aren’t so wonderful
  36. I am only friends with you for the drama
  37. You look like a cow with that nose ring, and you’ve got the personality to match
  38. Calling you is a waste of time
  39. If they ask for a Dr. on board, you should whip out your math degree and start solving for resuscitation
  40. Just a little BDSM, and you’ll be facing God and saying what you’ve done.
  41. So nobody understands you.. it isn’t art but stupidity
  42. I’d be happy to hear from you if you were actually important.
  43. My headaches left immediately I left your presence
  44. Your mother should’ve swallowed you
  45. You do know you’d cause a crying spree if you went to a nursery
  46. If I typed ‘stupid’ in google, your name would pop up
  47. Your thoughts should be flushed
  48. I can’t insult you. The universe has already helped by making you look like that 
  49. Is it bad I want to throw my kids away?
  50. You deserve to be loved from a distance
  51. You cause joy whenever you go.
  52. You’re never too old to make friends with stupid
  53. I’ve been told to make friends with dumb people. I’m glad you’re mine
  54. God wanted to spice the earth with jokes, and he made your kind
  55. Empty barrels make the loudest noise
  56. Your bag is fake. You forgot there’s no ‘e’ in ‘Prada.’
  57. Even rats pay rent. You’ve outstayed your welcome.
  58. You could play  Arnold from ‘hey Arnold’s
  59. What have you got going on for you? You’re not pretty enough to be this foolish
  60. We are not going appease that empty brain of yours
  61. You are as annoying as the crying baby on the plane
  62. I pity your significant other. They must have their hands full
  63. Where’d you get that? Forever 22?
  64. If a cannibal wanted to eat you, he wouldn’t find anything in your brain
  65. The mirror broke when you looked at it. You can’t fix ugly.
  66. A fool is the same all year round, and we celebrate you on April 1st. 
  67. Remember, if anyone says you’re beautiful, it’s all lies
  68. Roses are red; violets are blue. You a fool, and that will always be true
  69. You’re too smart to date stupid. Or maybe you’re just the same.
  70. For you, a fool at 40, remains a fool forever. 
  71. All your brain is in that suitcase
  72. Your wig is slipping, and so are your senses.
  73. It would be best if you didn’t have an accent, you were in France for two days
  74. I’m jealous of how you can be so dumb
  75. The middle finger should be your motto for life.
  76. The good books say to make good friends, but I think I made a mistake 
  77. I have to teach myself not to trust your stupid decisions
  78. Your skincare routine shouldn’t smell like a graveyard
  79. We are not friends, and we are not even acquaintances. Let’s not pretend like we know each other.
  80. You are alone in this. I don’t support foolish behaviour
  81. I’m smart, and I know you’re only benefitting from my wealth of knowledge
  82. You’re so skinny; I hear the sound of bone on wood when you sit.
  83. I’m sorry, I’ll call you later. I’m breathing in air
  84. When the sanitation worker came, he forgot to take you along
  85. Your kids need to be returned to where they came from
  86. I honestly thought about selling my kids on eBay.
  87. How do you cope with those gaps in your teeth? Are you comfortable with walking around with a window?
  88. You make me increase the amount of caffeine I take daily
  89. If we continue talking to each other, I might end up dead.
  90. I can do better than you. I will do better than you. 
  91. Do you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Your presence keeps covering it up
  92. You need to try clothes at the store and look in the mirror before you wear things like this
  93. I’m cutting off toxicity from my life, and you are the prime reason
  94. How can get an education and not get any educational experience
  95. If I were to jump down from your IQ, it would equate to hopping
  96. How can your IQ be in single numbers
  97. It would help if you sued your parents for looking like that
  98. Your mouth should be as silent as the ‘p’ in psychology
  99. I’d have to understand this for you. Explaining won’t help you either
  100. You do realize we tolerate you.