Even dads can get a little dark now and then. From the moment the first dad uttered the joke, “Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny, ” it was clear that a corny sense of humor could still be sick. Sometimes you just want to laugh at something you know you shouldn’t. Jokes that your brain tells you are wrong, but you can’t help cracking up over.
These Fifty Dark Dad Jokes are pitch black and guaranteed to make you hate yourself for laughing. Canibals? Dead babies? They’re here, along with plenty of other offensive topics that will have you chuckling and shaking your head simultaneously. So dig in and remember, they’re just jokes…
What kind of cell phone do you get for a depressed teen? A Razer.
How do you stop a baby from choking? Let go of its neck.
How does a WWII vet cook ramen? He nukes it.
My dad left five years ago to get milk. I haven’t eaten cereal since.
I don’t use protection during sex. Coathangers are cheaper than condoms.
Why don’t cannibals eat vegans? Not enough protein.
Did you hear about the new Disney movie where Bambi, Simba, and Dumbo take the same High School English class? It’s called Dead Parents Society.
My doctor gave me a week to live. I told him I wanted a second opinion, so he pulled out a scalpel and stabbed me.
“I was wrong. You’ve got about 48 hours.”
What do a man wearing baggy pants and a mouthy kid have in common? They both need a belt.
How do you get a dog to stay? Nail his feet to the floor.
What did the priest say to the altar boy? Nothing. His mother taught him not to talk with his mouth full.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a shotgun puts them down for good.
Why did the man bludgeon Kieth Richards and Mick Jagger to death with an unconscious penguin? He wanted to kill two stones with one bird.
A scared little boy pointed to his baby sister and shouted, “Dad, she’s choking!” The father replied, “Hi, choking. I’m Dad!”
My wife asked me to choke her the next time we’re in bed. I grabbed her by the throat and said, “Why wait?”
What’s funnier than a kid falling down the stairs? Two kids falling down the stairs.
Did you hear about the guy with Parkinson’s who tried to shoot himself in public? He was arrested for manslaughter.
Why did the woman drink a whole bottle of industrial adhesive? She was feeling glueicidal.
Why did the business owner become a necrophiliac? He wanted a silent partner.
My Doctor made me quit drinking. So I take my vodka intravenously now.
How do you stop a baby from crying? Feed it…to an alligator.
What’s the difference between getting a blood transfusion and being intimate with a man? My Dad didn’t get AIDS from a blood transfusion.
What did the man say to his girlfriend when she told him she had HPV? Honey, I love you, warts and all.
A husband and wife go to SUBWAY and agree to split a footlong sub. The wife gets the sub and gives a quarter of it to her husband. “Three inches? That’s not enough to fill me up!” said the husband. The wife smiled. “Now you know how I feel!”
How good was Kurt Cobain’s last time doing drugs? It was mindblowing.
What game did Linkin Park’s lead singer love to play as a kid? Hangman.
What did the boy say when his mother got remarried? Nothing. He’s already caused one divorce.
How do you get rid of an unwanted pregnancy? Put a banana peel at the top of the stairs.
What did the cheerleader say when the nerd asked her to the prom? I’m busy that night. I have to wash my toaster.
Why do holocaust survivors all drive electric cars? They’re afraid of gas.
Why did the husband get mad at his wife for ironing his pants? He was wearing them at the time.
What has four wheels and flys? A shopping cart full of dead babies.
Why did the husband dump pancake mix all over his wife? So she could go to a shelter for battered women.
What did the mother say to the father when he freaked out over their daughter’s college tuition? “I bet you wish you didn’t beg me to keep it now, don’t you?”
Everyone tells me to love myself, but they scream at me to put my pants back on whenever I try it.
I like my women like I like my coffee: weak and burnt.
How do you make a serial killer with a collection of baby skulls happy? Give him a little head.
What’s the first step to mending a broken heart? Removing it from your chest.
Why is it wrong to bring fruit on a date without the other person’s consent? It contributes to grape culture.
Did you hear about the contractor who died while working on a bathroom? He choked on caulk.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19? She lost her taste.
What’s the difference between a fetus and a baby? My mom didn’t try to stab me when I was a baby.
Why are overweight babysitters a bad idea? The babies always get crushed when they sit on them.
I got written up on Take Your Daughter To Work Day. Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
My mother always said I could do anything if I set my mind to it. How was I supposed to know she wasn’t talking about matricide?
What do you call a serial killer who disembowels women and then falls, trying to walk through all the blood? Jack The Slipper.
What’s the difference between a fifteen-year-old and an eighteen-year-old? Jail time.
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy? Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games.
My Doctor told me to stop eating red meat. So now I dye it blue.
My dishwasher broke down yesterday. I told her there’d be consequences if she didn’t stop picking at me, but she didn’t listen.