- HUMOR
The 30 Very Best July Jokes
What’s better than a few silly quips to make these tough times funnier and cheerful? These hilarious jokes, zingy one-liners, and dry puns will guarantee you either a genuine or a pity laugh – but laughter is always laughter after all and is truly in desperate need.
I advise you to read this list, study and memorize it – it will help you become the quirkiest guy or gal in the room, especially if you’re all by yourself in there. Or, being the grumpy old person that you are, you can set it to the side, try to ignore it and pretend to do what you should be doing anyway – but hey, you got to the end of this paragraph, so why not try and give this list of funny things to say a go? You won’t regret it! Besides, you’ll find plenty of cranky “voices” venting below. Have fun!
100 Funny Things to Say Over Text
Silliest Funny Quips To Laugh And Cry Along
1. Faith can move mountains, but I prefer dynamite.
2. There’s no one like me. Thank God!
3. I’m not always hungry; sometimes I’m sleepy too.
4. My friendship is not for sale, but we can talk about a short-term rental.
5. If I have dreams, I fight for them… But sometimes I get tired and need to sleep…
6. I’m not lactose, but some people find me hard to tolerate.
7. I wish your life is as good as it seems on your social media accounts!
8. Every time you ask for it, I’ll give my advice. But the “I told you so”, I’ll give without you asking for it.
9. If money doesn’t buy happiness, I want to be sad and rich!
10. What does it matter if it’s the weekend when I need it to be the end of the month?
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11. For somebody to love me, it really must be love, because rich and pretty I for sure am not.
Funny things to say – 12. If a rabbit’s foot brought good luck, the rabbit wouldn’t have lost it to begin with!
13. God created the man before the woman so he wouldn’t have to hear suggestions.
14. Do you want to know the secret to get rich? Me too.
15. Life is like Pilates. If it’s easy, it’s wrong.
16. Polar Bears love the cold. Bipolars sometimes do, sometimes don’t.
17. It is very sad when you’re rich, handsome, and sexy, and then the alarm clock rings and ends it all.
18. The secret for a good relationship is not having one.
19. I never make the same mistake twice… I make it about five times only to make sure it really is a mistake.
20. If your girlfriend says, “You will never find somebody like me”, answer: “thank God, I want somebody different.”
21. I woke up so sexy today, that instead of yawning, I meowed.
22. I respect the opinion of everybody who agrees with me.
23. A real man doesn’t eat honey. He eats the bees.
24. I had a sweet side, but I ate it.
25. I’m almost dressing up as Pokémon to see if somebody goes looking for me.
26. If I hit somebody with a dictionary, is it verbal or physical aggression?
27. I was looking for the good side of life but concluded that life is a sphere.
28. Don’t leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
29. Eat everything, because pizza doesn’t fatten, chocolate doesn’t fatten, candy doesn’t fatten, it’s you that fattens up.
Funny things to say – 30. Live everyday as if it is the last. One day you will be right.
31. Learn this: the world doesn’t revolve around you. Except when you drink too much.
32. Modest and humility are necessary virtues, and only people above average intelligence, like me, realize that!
33. Fewer words can often say …
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34. If the ex was good enough, God wouldn’t tell me to love my neighbor.
35. Love really is blind because it can’t see me at all.
36. They told me to follow my dreams, so I turned to my side and kept sleeping.
37. If I’d agree with you, we’d both be wrong.
38. Don’t follow my steps, I’m also lost.
39. Insomnia makes you a better mathematician, because you spend all night calculating how much time you will be able to sleep.
Funny things to say – 40. Money is not everything. Don’t forget the gold, the diamonds, and property.
41. The most painful thing in the world is lying down on the couch and remember you forgot the tv remote.
42. A word to the wise is…
43. If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can do that for you.
44. I went to look for what is best for me and ended up opening the fridge.
45. Common sense is like deodorant – people that need it the most never use it.
46. Can we start the weekend again? I was distracted…
47. Group assignments helped understand why Batman works alone.
48. If I won the prize of laziest person, I’d ask somebody to go get it for me.
49. I’m an example for others. A bad example, of course.
50. My problem is that he wanted a serious relationship and I’m a funny girl.
51. It’s not that I’m stubborn, I’m just always right.
52. I tried to be normal once… It was the worst two minutes of my life.
53. As is a person, so is a fridge: it’s what’s inside that matters.
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54. Gossipy? I’m just an historian of other people’s lives!
55. A horror story in three words: Today is Monday.
56. I’m sleepy all day, and then when I get to bed, I want to bake a cake, write a book, and learn five new languages.
57. We need to invent a new day between Saturday and Sunday.
Funny things to say – 58. In my current state, if I cut an onion, she is the one crying.
59. Your opinion is very interesting. There’s only one problem: I didn’t ask for it.
60. The first five days of the week are the toughest.
61. Civil status: distance relationship with my bed.
62. Date someone who waits for you like I wait for Friday.
63. Some people are like clouds: they leave, and it brightens my day.
64. If you want to talk about me, say it to my face. To my back you can give a massage.
65. I’m watching a new series – the series of mistakes I’ve made in my life.
66. I’m very busy today… Doing several nothings.
67. There’s only one thing that is worse than waking up early: a holiday on a Sunday.
68. Before I was arrogant, but now I’m perfect.
69. Laziness is the mother of all vices, and as a mother, she deserves to be respected.
Funny things to say – 70. There are people that enjoy Halloween so much, that live the whole year in costume.
71. I’m in need of a six-month vacation… Twice a year!
72. Do you know those days in which you wake up full of energy to clean the house? Must be great, never happened to me.
73. Whoever is married to Mrs. Smith for forty years doesn’t know a thing about marriage, only knows about Mrs. Smith. I’m the one knowledgeable about marriage since I was married six times.
74. Today is a wonderful day for you to leave me alone.
75. Annoying guy – it’s that guy that has more interest in us than we have in him.
76. The problem with close-minded people is that they generally come with an open mouth.
77. Sorry I’m late, it’s just that I didn’t want to come.
78. In the sentence “He woke up early.”, the subject is… Sleepy.
79. Are you happy? Step on the scale, and that goes away.
80. I don’t drop hints; I just drop some facts discreetly in front of someone with the intent of them not directly realizing it.
81. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it… Because I don’t want to!
82. The day your opinion is a chocolate cake, I’ll want it!
83. Irony is like blush: if you don’t know how, don’t use it.
84. There are only two types of people: those who agree with me and those who are wrong.
85. Dear math: please, be a grown up and solve your problems by yourself.
86. If you’re the kind of person that has no good luck, when you see the light at the end of the tunnel…run, because the train is coming.
Funny things to say – 87. Don’t let anything bring you down – just remember that even a kick in your ass pushes your forward.
88. Giving up is for weak people. Be like me, don´t even try.
89. Stop trying. Start giving up.
90. Are you with him for love or some other interest? It must be love, since I have no interest in him at all…
91. If you fight with a woman, she’s either right or you’re wrong.
92. If nothing is impossible, then I’ve been doing the impossible for years.
93. Jeez, how dark it is in here, right? I don’t know, I can’t see anything.
94. I clean my house almost every day. I almost cleaned on Monday, almost cleaned it on Tuesday, almost cleaned it on Wednesday…
95. There are two types of people: the ones that finish their sentences and the ones that…
96. Me, sexist? If there is one thing I despise, is sexism. That, and women.
97. A sense of humor is the feeling that makes laugh of something that would make you mad if it happened to you.
98. If you want to be recognized, don’t worry. When you make a mistake, you will be.
99. The perfect man doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get home late, doesn’t cheat… Well, doesn’t exist.
100. Don’t beat yourself up. A new beginning is only a new chance for failure.
More for you:
91 Short Jokes // 172 Dad Jokes // 91 Corny Jokes // 75 Stupid Jokes // 82 Dark Humor Jokes
82 Chuck Norris Jokes // 91 Yo Mama Jokes // 154 Bad Jokes // 118 Bad Dad Jokes
Catarina is a writer before and above everything else. She has a background in Law and has been working mainly as a translator, waiting for a big idea to become her big break. Meanwhile, she continues her studies, obsessively listens to music, sings in the shower… and everywhere else, hoping that inspiration eventually pays a visit.
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