Funny Christmas Quotes

CHRISTMAS, WHAT A JOLLY TIME OF YEAR!

Ahhhh, Christmas! What a wonderful time of the year, but sometimes, the holidays are actually more stressful than anything else because families need to arrange dinners, gifts and… let’s not forget, the delicious food!

Thankfully, there are a variety of ways to lighten the mood and share some laughs around the dinner table on Christmas day – including sharing funny Christmas quotes, these can often bring people together by sharing the humorous ups and downs of the holiday season.

 

82 Funny Christmas Quotes 2022 for Holiday Laughs

 

Always keep your friends close during Christmas time but tell them to keep the gift receipts closer.

 

The reason we hate Christmas office parties is because we probably need to find a new job the next day.

 

I’ve been dreaming of a white Christmas but don’t worry, if I can’t get white I will just drink the red.

 

We are changing it up a bit this Christmas, we are actually going to allow my mother-in-law in this time.

 

One thing I love about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with one present.

 

I wrapped a Christmas present in birthday wrapping by mistake so I added “to Jesus” to make it seem like I meant to do that.

 

Santa keeps sounding more and more like an illegal drug launderer. He wears a beard as a disguise and he watches people to make sure they don’t fall out of line.

 

Santa, please just leave your credit card under the tree. It will prevent me from asking people for the receipts of my gifts.

 

Christmas time is just a time that children tell Santa what they want so their parents can buy it for them.

 

— 10th of 82 Funny Christmas Quotes

One way to get on the naughty list is to leave Santa a gluten free cookie and soy milk

 

I remember the days when people stopped Christmas shopping when they ran out of money, oh the good old days.

 

Dear Santa, I am writing to you to let you know that I was naughty and I regret nothing!

 

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

 

Nothing buys you some time to put the gifts under the tree like sending your kids outside and telling them to look in the sky for Santa in his sleigh.

 

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales

 

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

 

It’s all fun and games until Santa really does pull the naughty list out.

 

Nothing tests a man’s patience like tangled Christmas lights.

 

Sorry 2021, you’re on Santa’s naughty list.

 

— 20th of 82 Funny Christmas Quotes

Whose idea was it to hang a flammable piece of fabric called a Christmas stocking above a fireplace?

 

There are 3 stages of being a man, first he believes in Santa, second he doesn’t believe in Santa and third, he is asked to dress up as Santa.

 

All I want for Christmas is you. Just kidding, I want wine.

 

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger

 

The two most enjoyable times of the year are Christmas morning and sending the kids back to school in the New Year.

 

Everyone has that one designated shelve in the garage for all the handmade Christmas presents that they’ve received over the years.

 

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal how much time your mother actually has on her hands

 

Christmas decorations have gotten so expensive I might consider draping toilet paper around my tree instead of tinsel, that way I can wipe my anxious tears away too.

 

It’s much easier to feel joyful when you know you’re going to get gifts

 

During Christmas time tree tops glisten and children listen… Actually scratch the second part.

 

— 30th of 82 Christmas Quotes Funny

May the spirit bring you Christmas joy, and by spirit I mean vodka.

 

We’ve had all year to prepare for the comments about how “big we’ve gotten” from our relatives.

 

You can’t fool me — there isn’t no Sanity Clause!

 

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, my skinny jeans are history.

 

There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh, either the sweater itself or the lame jokes from the person wearing it

 

I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can indulge in on particular addiction: food

 

White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs.

 

Of course Santa is a man, a woman wouldn’t wear the same outfit year after year.

 

Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.

 

— 40th of 82 Funny Christmas Quotes 2022

Dear Santa, it’s a loooooooong story!

 

This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to put a gift under the tree for me, I mean that’s what Christmas is all about.

 

I stole Santas naughty list, it looks like he knows all of my friends.

 

A true Christmas miracle is when your family pitches up on time and no one gets hurt!

 

There are 25 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 24 more days till we start shopping, right?

 

One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales

 

Dear Santa, there better be a car under the tree or the red-nosed one gets hurt.

 

May your holiday be filled with as much cheer as your dosage allows

 

I do believe that there is a lot of things money can’t buy but none of those things are on my kids Christmas lists

 

Life is short, eat the Christmas cookies yourself.

 

— 50th of 82 Funny Christmas Quotes

I’m a bit sweet and a little twisted, I guess you could call me a candy cane.

 

It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cell phones

 

It’s time to get into the holiday spirit… gin, whiskey or vodka.

 

Please note, Christmas is cancelled this year, apparently you told him you were good so he died of laughter.

 

Before I decide to go carolling I probably shouldn’t drink. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to do it in the middle of November.

 

Christmas lights should be bright and festive but at the same time they shouldn’t be encouraging aircrafts to land.

 

Covid-19 Christmases are the best because people just drop their gifts off and leave. What a wonderful time of year.

 

It’s funny how the same year you stop believing in Santa is the year you start getting underwear and socks as gifts.

 

No matter how old you are, bonking people over the head with a wrapping paper tube is still fun.

 

There are 12 days of Christmas, none of which fall in November.

 

— 60th of 82 Funny Christmas Quotes

Santa has it so easy, I buy all the gifts and he gets the credit for it.

 

Santa says he has seen your Facebook statuses and he has decided that you’re getting a dictionary for Christmas.

 

Anyone that believes that men and women are equal has clearly never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas gift.

 

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas

 

Now wonder Santa is fat, he is forced to eat millions of cookies on one night. What did you think was going to happen?

 

This year, instead of gifts, I will be giving everyone my opinion. I hope you’re as excited as I am!

 

Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?

 

Christmas is just like a day in the office, you do all the work but the guy in the suit gets the credit

 

You know what I got for Christmas? Fat

 

I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree

 

— 70th of 82 Funny Christmas Quotes 2022

I wish we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and open one up every month

 

You’re all “easy going” when it comes to gift shopping but tables turn when you receive that credit card bill in January.

 

You spend your December cheque as if you don’t have to save it for all 598 days of January

 

Dear Santa, whatever you heard… it was my sister’s fault.

 

Christmas is the only acceptable time for some random overweight man to sneak into your house and offer your children gifts.

 

It’s always fun to see if the family recognises any of the gifts I give them

 

It’s called SECRET Santa but as soon as everyone gets their names it’s a “process of elimination” to guess who got who as their secret Santa.

 

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

 

You can’t blame the holidays if you were fat in August.

 

It’s almost time to switch from your regular anxiety to fancy Christmas anxiety.

 

— 80th of 82 Funny Christmas Quotes

I hope Santa gives me a fat bank account and a slim body this year. He mixed it up last year.

 

I was told I’m using my advent calendar incorrectly. I ate 3 chocolates per day.

 

Dear Santa, is it too late to be good?

 

Santa saw your Instagram posts, he decided that you’re getting clothes for Christmas.

 

This Christmas, may your family be functional and your batteries be included.

 

I’ve put so much thought into your gift that now it’s too late to go and get it. Merry Christmas anyways.

 

I’m not going grey its actually just tinsel growing from my head.

———————

More Christmas content for you:

Christmas Trivia Questions // Christmas Pick Up Lines // Christmas Bible Verses // Christmas Jokes // Christmas Dad Jokes // Christmas Cracker Jokes // Christmas Puns // Elf Jokes // Christmas Knock Knock Jokes 

Tyler Jade Eatwell
Latest posts by Tyler Jade Eatwell (see all)
Was this article helpful?
YesNo