50 Messed Up Offensive Jokes

There is no need to be ashamed for laughing at these R-rated gags or telling them to your friends, but we suggest keeping them out of the office!

These jokes are so filthy you’re going to need to wash them afterwards, or at least ask your partner to do it. Once you’ve rinsed off the soap these fucked up jokes will have you shaking your head and cringing at the same time. It might feel wrong, but it also feels so right. 

Much like COVID-19, these puns aren’t hard to get and may see you in the isolation for some time if you tell them to the wrong crowd. Now that we’ve inappropriately warned you, check out the below list of 50 adults-only jokes! 

50 Offensive Jokes:

1. What did the oven say to the chicken?
“I can’t wait to have you inside me.”

2. What do alcoholics and amputees have in common?
They are both legless

3. What is my favourite thing about my grandpa?
His life insurance

4. Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra?
Because they just keep getting harder and harder

5. What is the difference between my girlfriend and an umbrella?
Only one of them ever gets wet

6. What do 15-year-old boys and washing machines have in common?
They both like keeping one sock for themselves

7. At what point does a joke become a dad joke?
When it disappears and never returns home

8. What do you get if you cross a loaf of bread with a vagina?
A yeast infection

9. “Why is my sister named Rose?” asked the boy. “Because your mum loves roses. You knew that already that, Cocaine.” Replied the dad.

10. What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble

Next: The Paranoia Game

11. Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

12. What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?
I cried when I cut up the onions

13. Whats do Americans and stars have in common?
They both love shooting up

14. How do you know where COVID-19 is manufactured?
It will have a sticker on the bottom saying “Made in China”

15. How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts counselling session?
The psychologist will thank you for coming

16. What do you get when you cross a duck with Kurt Cobain?
An overdose on quack

17. What goes in dry and hard and exits soft and wet?
Bubble gum

18. Why do my boyfriend and instant noodles have in common? 
They’re both done in two minutes

19. How do you know if a fisherman is single?
He’ll be a Master Baiter

20. What do KFC and a brothel have in common?
They’re both full of greasy chicks

Next: 75 Dirty Riddles Guaranteed To Get The Pulse Racing

21. How come Santa Claus is always so frustrated with Mrs Claus?
Because he only comes once a year

22. What is the best joke of all time?
Feminism

23. What do you call a prawn that loves smoking cannabis?
Seafood marijuana

24. What are a terrorists favourite cartoon to watch at night? 
Osamas in pyjamas

25. What is the difference between a puppy farm and a rubbish dump?
A puppy farm has more litter

26. What did the spider say to the toilet?
Oh my god, you scared the shit out of me!

27. Why are obese jokes so offensive?
Because fat people have enough on their plate

28. What do you throw a racist when he’s drowning?
His wife and kids

29. Who is Bill Cosby’s favourite Disney princess?
Sleeping Beauty

30. What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.

31. Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things

32. What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity

33. What got four legs and a hand?
A lion in a daycare centre

34. What is the difference between $50 and my kid?
I care when I lose the money

35. How do you know when the dishwasher has stopped working?
She’ll be sleeping next to you

Next: 100 Dirty Never Have I Ever Questions

36. What do you do if you see a car accident?
Laugh

37. How many rabbits does it take to keep warm?
It depends on how big their skins are

38. What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?
Getting the water bill 

39. What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
You’ll only need a single nail to hang the picture frame-up 

40. What do gay men and drug dealers have in common?
They both get a lot of crack

41. Why does your grandma like gardening so much?
Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees

42. How is a sibling-like a laxative?
They both give you the shits

43. Why do chipmunks make great girlfriends?
Because they’re used to eating nuts

44. What do your husband and my kids have in common?
They’ve all seen my bewbs

45. What is the difference between a remote and a G-spot?
My husband will actually look for a remote

46. Why do women rarely become copywriters?
Because there are just too many periods.

47. What do you call Snoop Dogg in a hot air balloon?
Higher than usual

48. Where can you never take an orphan for dinner?
A family restaurant

49. Why do cats make the perfect animal for experimentation? 
Because they have nine lives

50. Why do nerds like playing tennis? 
Because it’s the only love they get

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