75 Dirty Riddles Guaranteed To Get The Pulse Racing

Come with us and take your mind on a journey to places it never thought it would be today. We’ve spent hours collating all the very best “dirty riddles” guaranteed to bring you endless pleasure, on-demand, wherever you are! So go, be good to yourself, and give your funny bone some much-needed DIY with these 75 Dirty Riddles!


1. I am dirty, I love being filled with wood, but someone only goes down on me once a year. What am I?

A fireplace.


2. What’s the best part of your body to put into a pie?

Your teeth.


3. Everytime I come, it’s news. I often hit your bush, but only when my aim is bad. What am I?

A newspaper delivery person.


4. Some people like to keep me trimmed, others keep me long. Everywhere seems to get covered in it. What am I?



5. You use your hand to whack me off, the bigger I am, the louder I make people scream. What am I?

A spider.


6. People use their hands to go up and down me, I’m very long and very hard. What am I? 

A railing


7. Every man has me. I’m a word that begins with the letter “P” and for me to grow, I need stimulation. What am I? 

The pupils of his eye


8. I come with a great pair and people love to eat me. What am I?

A lobster.


9. What gets wetter when things get steamy?



10. I absolutely love holding your buns all day. What am I?

A hair tie.


11. I once let over 1000 different people inside me, until I was ripped open by something long and hard. What am I?

The Titanic.


12. I grow in a bed, first white then red, and the plumper I get, the better women like me. What am I?

A strawberry


13. The more popular you are, the more you get. You can do it with yourself, but it’s always better with someone else involved. What am I?


Next: “What Am I?” Riddles Guaranteed To Leave You Puzzled


14. You can go on top of me or underneath and I always involve a bed. What am I?

A bunk bed.


15. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Donald Trump has a small one. And Seal doesn’t have one at all. What am I?

A last name


16. What makes men’s voices louder than women’s?

Their antenna.


17. What can you find in a man’s pants that you’ll never find in a woman’s?



18. What’s the biggest thing a man has in his trousers that a lady doesn’t want on her face?



19. What is something that people keep in their trousers that their partners love to blow?



20. What does every woman have that starts with a “v” that she can use to get what she wants?

Her voice.


21. What can turn an “oooh” into an “Aaah”?

About three inches.


22. I have a long shaft. I always penetrate with the tip first and I always come with a quiver. What am I?



23. You must blow me to play with me. What am I?

A balloon.


24. I’m long, usually smooth and have the word ‘cum’ in me. What am I?

A cuCUMber.


25. I’m small and hard, but holes love me. What am I?

A key.


26. I’m usually around six inches long, taste great in your mouth and sometimes salty but tastes better with butter?

Corn on the cob.


27. I’m usually six inches long, roughly two inches wide, and everyone loves having me in their pants?

A $100 bill.


28. What’s the maximum speed limit during sex?

68. Because when you hit 69, you’ll need to turn around!


29. I’m the most fun when you put me in small holes and wiggle me around. What am I?

A Q-tip.

Next: 50 Halloween Riddles To Scare Away Your Worries


30. What goes in dry and hard but comes out wet and soft?



31. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.


32. What do newly married couples get on their wedding day that’s long and sometimes hard?

A new last name.


33. Take off my coat, then eat me. What am I?

A banana.


34. Doesn’t matter what room we are in, you can always spread me. What am I?



35. What is the difference between a woman’s G-spot and a dime?

Sometimes, men actually find a dime!


36. Set me to vibrate when you want some alone time. What am I?

A cell phone.


37. I want to be inside you every day, and you can set me to vibrate for extra fun. What am I?

An electric toothbrush.


38. You put me in your mouth and have endless fun blowing me. What am I?

Chewing gum.


39. When I’m wet, I’m soft and gentle but when I’m dry, I’m hard and rough. What am I?



40. I can be long and hard, or short and soft, But I always get the job done. What am I?

A candle.


41. I’m hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. What’s inside me tastes great in your mouth. What am I?

A coconut.


42. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.


43. Sometimes a finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

Your wedding band.


44. What does a woman have two of that a cow has four of?



45. I can be short or long, I bring people great joy and you can have multiple at the same time. What am I?



46. Most people love having me in their mouth first thing in the morning and last thing at night, and I’ll leave you feeling refreshed. What am I?



47. I bring you the most joy when I’m really long and hard. What am I?

An education.


48. Why is a happy sex life like a good steak?

Because it’s rare!


49. What’s the difference between amazing sex, and this joke?

You actually get the joke


50. I’m white and you can put me in your mouth. Swirl me, spit me but if you swallow it may taste bitter. What am I?



51. You do it. Your friends do it. Your parents do it. And sometimes, even your granny does it. What am I?



52. I prevent any “little mistakes” and I’m made of rubber. What am I?



53. Most people AND their significant others finger me on their first date. What am I?

A bowling ball.


54. You can use your hands OR your mouth to get me off. What am I?



55. I work with briefs and I’m amazing when using my mouth. What am I?

A lawyer.


56. I’m short afterwards, but long before being used. I’m always light and I end in “ICK” What am I?



57. I asked my girlfriend for doggystyle today

So she rubbed my face in pee


58. I fit perfectly between b0obs, get longer when you pull on me and slide neatly into small holes. What am I?

A seatbelt.


59. Cut me regularly or, if you want to be selfish, get someone to do it for you before it gets prickly. What am I?

The lawn.


60. I’m a swinger with giant balls, and I’m perfect at helping to get erect. What am I?

A crane.


61. I’m usually all white, great at filling any hole and I never let you swallow. What am I?

Your dentist.


62. I can be seen at home or with a huge public screen. I begin with P and end in O-R-N. What am I?



63. I’m a 3 letter word that ends with the letters E-X, and I’m guaranteed to come everyday?



64. I come from nuts, can be very sticky and I taste amazing in your mouth. What am I?

Peanut butter


65. People love being inside me, and my shaft goes up and down everyday. What am I?

An elevator.


66. If you can’t get me, you could always just use your hands to get the job done?

A fork.


67. Stick something long and hard inside me and see me get bigger until the job is done. What am I?

A tent.


68. What is Snoop Dogg’s favourite gardening tool?



69. Women can’t get enough of me, and I rhyme with “sock”. What am I?



70. What happens when a lady gets something she really enjoys?

It makes her whole week.


71. Why is sex like a good steak?

Hours of prep work, just to be told “Well done”.


72. What’s long, pink, and makes women scream?

A Bridesmaid Dress


73. What’s long, hard and tastes great in your mouth?



74. What 4 letter word do some women love having inside them?



75. According to his best friend, what is every man’s favourite position?

Doggy Style


And there we have it folks, 75 of the very best dirty riddles and jokes for you to share with your friends, family, partners or anyone who enjoys a bit of naughty wordplay. And let’s face it, who doesn’t?


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Chris Wright