40 Racing Jokes

My knowledge of cars and racing is about as good as what I learned about theoretical physics at university. I did a theatre degree. That probably explains why a lot of these jokes aren’t even about cars. As far as I’m concerned, putting a stripe on it makes it go faster. Does that work for horses? I don’t know. I guess you’d have to paint one on the majestic creature and then ask it to hoof it. Either way, next time you’re around that group of friends (y’know, the cars and horses guys), break one of these jokes out, and if you’re lucky they may never invite you to another social gathering again.

 

Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another. One falcon turns to the other and says: “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.” The second falcon turns back and says: “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”

 

Why did the zombie come last in the NASCAR race? 
He left his foot on the brakes.

 

Jim and Clark are sitting at a bar getting progressively drunker. After ordering one more beer, Clark turns to Jim and says: “How about a competition?” Jim says: “Alright, what is it?” Clark downs his fresh beer and says: “First one to race across the parking lot and jump clear over my truck gets drinks from the loser for a month.” Jim thinks about it for a second, looks over at Clark, who is clearly drunker than him, and smugly says: “All right, you’re on.” The two men head out into the parking lot and line up at the furthest end. On the word “go” they take off running. They’re neck and neck until the truck, where they both jump. Clark easily clears it, jumping incredibly high. Jim slams straight into the side of it, hits his head and gets knocked out. The bartender walks outside, shaking his head, looks at Clark and says: “You know what Superman? You’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”

 

Did you hear about that new support group for men whose premature ejaculation is ruining their marriages?
It’s called the Fast and the Furious.

 

Why do F1 drivers always have bad relationships?
They always try finish first.

 

A famous racehorse sits down at a bar having found out that he’ll never run again. The bartender pours the horse a whiskey and asks: “Hey bud, why the long face?” The horse says: “I have cancer.”

 

I keep trying to get into horse racing but they’re too fast for me.

A racehorse breeder can’t seem to break into the competition, as no matter how hard he tries with his own horses, they’re never as fast as rival breeders’. One day, about to give up and sell his farm, he gets an idea. He spends months researching and breeding geese, and when the time is right, he takes them to the local derby and sets up a race. To his surprise, people are more interested in the peculiar and never-before seen geese races, than in the horse races. People start betting money on the geese, and even the other horse breeders arrive to take a look. At the end of the day, with more money in his wallet than he ever made on horses, he exclaims to the crowd: “My racing geese are the best, so come to my farm if you want to take a quick gander.”

 

What do strippers and the best F1 drivers have in common?
They start events in pole position.

 

Ferrari’s legacy in Italy has led to them taking F1 more seriously than anywhere else in the world. At just three years old potential racers are identified and must compete in a race for the coveted Sippy Cup.

 

Did you hear about the incontinent communist drag racer? 
His name is Skid Marx.

 

300 Horsepower? How do you even fit one in there?

 

What is the longest running race?
The human race!

 

Five years after their iconic standoff, the forest is abuzz about rumors of a rematch between the Tortoise and the Hare. Finally, at an impromptu press conference, Tortoise and Hare’s agents take the stage and confirm that a rematch is happening. The race will be in three days’ time and will take place on the exact same route that the original happened. Hare has been training in secret for months, which has put his marriage to Mrs. Hare in a rocky place. Nevertheless, Hare has worked on both his body and mind, ensuring he is as fast as lightning and free of the arrogance that cost him victory in that first fateful race. Come race day, Mrs. Hare says she can’t be there to watch as she can’t bare to see the consequences to Hare’s psyche if he loses the race. Hare is upset, but is still at the starting line early, warming up and getting focused. The race is set to start at 12 noon and come the midday hour, Tortoise is nowhere to be seen. Hare starts to think that maybe he chickened out, but he doesn’t let the thought make him overconfident. Finally, twenty minutes late, Tortoise shows up. Tortoise looks old and tired, like he has been taking things slower every day since he beat Hare. Hare says nothing to him and takes his place on the starting blocks. Tortoise ambles over and does the same, cracking a big yawn. Hare rolls his eyes and his whiskers twitch in intense focus. The forest’s mayor, a big brown Bear, raises a starting pistol and exclaims: “On your marks. Get set…” BANG! At the crack of the starting shot, Hare takes off, leaving Tortoise in the dust. As Hare runs, he feels the training pay off as his strong legs effortlessly carry him forward. When Hare reaches the shady tree stump he stopped at years ago to rest, he barely bats an eyelid, chuckling under his breath and whispering, “Not this time.” Hare speeds on, closer and closer to the finish line. When he gets there, having not slowed down for a moment, he crosses the line and does not see any sign of Tortoise having made it there. Mayor Bear is waiting with a gold medal, which he places around Hare’s neck, congratulating him on his comeback victory. Hare triumphantly raises the medal and kisses it, feeling on top of the world. Barely tired, Hare speeds home to show his wife the gold glint of success. As he rushes inside and upstairs to the bedroom and opens the door, Hare is shocked to see Tortoise and Mrs. Hare lying in bed naked, Tortoise with a cigarette in his mouth. Hare drops the medal to the floor with a clang as Tortoise looks over at him and says: “Hare baby, it’s all about the long, slow game, and I’ve been playing that for five years now.”

 

Why is a pretentious Toyota and season 8 of Game of Thrones pretty much the same thing?
Even without the spoilers they’re both still not worth getting excited about.

 

I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

 

What did the F1 driver say to his father? 
Thanks for the career, dad.

 

My racehorse’s name is Mayo. Sometimes, Mayo neighs.

 

My three year old really loves Greyhound racing. He keeps telling me he wants to do it. What an idiot, he can’t even beat me in a race.

 

What is a cat’s favorite racing game?
Grand Purrismo.

 

What is the difference between the tool a handyman uses to tighten things, and a rich F1 driver?
One drives screws, the other drives then screws.

 

A relay runner tried a new career as a baseball player. It didn’t last long, as he kept passing the bat on.

 

A huge crimewave hit a city during their annual marathon. Authorities can’t definitively speak to the cause, although they know it’s race-related.

 

Your Honor, we have tried to get the defendant to come to court, but he has a knack for running away. He just keeps playing the race card.

 

Guy 1: I think it’s great that fast food companies are sponsoring big racing circuits now, but you have to admit: The Nurburgerkingring is a bit of a mouthful.
Guy 2: I think that’s the point.

 

What do you call it when two photographic journalists from Helsinki are racing to get a picture of the next top news story? 
A photo Finnish.

 

Why do tomatoes never enter marathons? 
They’re always playing ketchup.
What is a vampire’s favorite racing game? 
Need for Bleed.

 

What is a knight’s favorite racing game? 
Need for Steed.

 

What is a stoner’s favorite racing game? 
Need for Weed.

 

What is a landlord’s favorite racing game? 
Need for Deed.

 

What is a drug addict’s favorite racing game? 
This one is actually still Need for Speed.

 

You know about Michael Schumacher’s racing career, but did you know that him and two friends also owned a tailor’s store? Weirdly, they were all named Michael. Michael Schumacher, Michael Dressmacher, and Michael Coatmacher.

 

Everyone idolizes the main characters in the Fast and Furious films. How come we never talk about the other guys, the Slow and Measured Who Just Want to Make Sure Everyone Has a Good Time?

 

What’s the difference between Nascar and F1? 
The types of drinks served.

 

Why are Nascar tracks oval?
The fans have trouble keeping up with more complicated shapes.

 

How do you know that someone is a cyclist? 
Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

 

Why are road racing bikes so expensive? 
If they were cheap, cyclists wouldn’t have something to hold over pedestrians.

 

What do most men and the average Formula 1 pit stop have in common? 
They both last about three seconds.

 

Racecar backwards is reverse.

 

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Saul Kemack
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