- HUMOR
The 64 Very Best Pirate Jokes
You planned a vacation for months and you finally walk onto the plane only to realize you’re sitting next to a living, breathing pet peeve. Your seatmates’ shoes are off. Thanks for that smell. They’ve taken all the overhead compartment space. Who even carries a tuba onto a plane? They’re listening to music without their headphones. Is that Nickelback? And they’re chewing so loudly that first class can hear them. Do adults chew that much bubble gum? Here is our list of 80 pet peeves not even your mother would forgive. And she shouldn’t have to, she works hard!
82 Pet Peeves Everyone Finds Annoying
1. Leaving empty containers in the fridge. Here’s looking at you, Roomie. That milk was gone THREE days ago.
2. Splitting the bill evenly at a restaurant. You ordered a side salad, and you know your cousin’s boyfriend ordered steak. We will not be evenly splitting this bill.
3. When someone pushes their overflowing grocery cart into the express line, this is line is for fifteen items or less. I’m only here for one box of cereal.
4. Pet hair on my dark pants. Luna, you’re not allowed on the couch. How did this happen to me?
5. Don’t even think about marking my skin with that pen.
6. Crack. Crack. Can you already feel hair raising on the back of your neck? Cracking knuckles should be a crime.
7. Ads that can’t be skipped. I can barely stand you for 5 seconds. Please don’t give me 30.
8. Mispelling… Did you see what we did there? It’s driving me crazy too. M-I-S-S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G
9. I finally made it through to speak with the vet that I have tried to call five times today when I am Put. On. Hold. It’s time for a new vet!
10. Borrowing and not returning. I know you still have my charger, Anthony.
11. Cough. Cough. Oh, please tell me my boss got water down the wrong tube. Nope, she came into work sick. Thanks for sharing your germs with everyone!
12. This meeting has been going for an hour and a half. Next time this meeting could have been an email.
13. He finally asked me on a date! But we did NOTHING. Not planning a date, not okay.
14. We had twelve nice dates, but now you’re ghosting me! Not cool. Not cool.
15. Or worse, we had twelve nice dates and you send a text message to break up! I’m only going to reply, “K.”
16. S-L-O-W Internet. Enough said.
17. Look at the adorable retriever. He’s so… Is that dog pooping in my yard? Is the owner leaving dog poop? You animal.
18. I’m driving down the road and living my best life when a bag of take-out comes flying out of the car in front of me. Splat. Littering. What is this 1950?
19. 60-hour work week. Hundreds of hungry patrons. Barely making rent with this wage. Then… a low tip. Is there anything worse? I just perfectly remembered your gluten free, impossible burger with ketchup instead of aioli sauce and replaced the fries with green beans.
20. We’ve all been sitting at the table for 30 minutes and your sister is still not ready to order. The server has checked on us five times.
21. Toilet seat left up… or down. Is this an all-dude house?
22. The toilet paper always goes… over or under? This is like picking a pill in the Matrix.
23. When your friend shows up late without a valid excuse. You will be paying for dinner.
24. “Sorry you feel that way.” The worst sentence in the human language.
25. A close second… using the word “moist.” Followed by “literally” and “whatever.”
26. Remember when you watched your brother cook a raw steak, then change his daughter’s diaper before sticking his finger in his mouth to chew his nails. Ewwww! Please don’t chew your nails.
27. But how will I cut my fingernails? With clippers. On the living room couch? No. At my desk? No! At a restaurant? NO! Cutting your nails outside the bathroom is gross!
28. There are nail biters and then there is another offense: nails that are way too long. Oh I hope those are fake!
29. Pronouncing names wrong or spelling them wrong. Starbucks, please I used the app!
— 30th of 82 Pet Peeves on our List
30. Knock. Knock. Oh, hello, did you arrive at the party early? Two hours early with your dog! See you later.
31. Man buns. Barely acceptable for soccer players and fashion models. That’s it.
32. Crocs. Acceptable… never. Maybe at home. Wow, these are comfortable. Don’t let them suck you in.
33. When did I befriend a two-year-old on Facebook? Oh wait, that’s my co-workers’ kid. Or worse, a person’s pet is their profile picture. I just want to know who posted that article on my page.
34. Hold me close young Tony Danza! You tried, but I didn’t have to hear. Please don’t sing the wrong lyrics to a song, especially that loud. We’re sorry Elton!
35. Losing pieces to a board game. How do I own 7 versions of Mouse Trap and not one has all the parts?
36. It’s a lovely day on the beach until… that punk plays music so loud you cannot hear the waves crash. Is that baby nodding its head to Nicki Minaj?
37. It’s awkward to be in the bathroom with your coworker. It’s worse when you have a conversation with them and then they leave the bathroom without washing their hands.
38. I texted. You read. Now you respond. Not responding to a text hurts.
39. Let’s take a second and talk about food. Chocolate does not mix with fruit sauce. Though I will applaud chocolate strawberries. Why is that so different?
40. When someone takes twice as much food as anyone else at potluck. And I didn’t see you bring anything to the table.
41. Hidden ingredients. What? You didn’t know that this apple pie would contain cashews?
42. Crumbs in the butter. Why? Just why?
43. Not resetting the microwave. I will never know what time it is. Oh wait, I have a phone in my pocket.
44. Did you think that scrapping nails against a chalkboard would be on this list? Nope. There’s something worse: Scrapping silverware over a plate while eating.
45. Talking about bodily functions while eating. I am trying to enjoy my chili and your vomiting story has no place here.
46. Food pretending to be something else. Let’s raise our pitchforks to oatmeal raisin cookies, cake with fondant and any food from a movie theater, except popcorn.
47. Speaking of Movies. You are eagerly waiting in line for Endgame and as your theater empties, that guy with the loudmouth spoils the movie thirty seconds before you see it even though you waited through like 20 movies for this.
48. Then you go to sit in the movie and your friend’s aunt keeps asking, “Who’s Black Panther?” Don’t talk in movies! And, you should know that by now.
49. Movie plot holes. Did Indiana Jones do anything in that movie? What were the eagles doing while Frodo carried the ring to Mordor?
50. You went to the gym. Well done you. And then you sat in someone else’s sweat. Not wiping down the gym equipment should get you banned from the gym.
51. Is that a bowl of unwrapped candies in the breakroom? You go to reach in, and realize that all the blue ones have been fished out. Everyone knows red is the best. And communal bowls are not for bare hands.
52. Pictures Askew. Just think about it.
53. Your friend is getting married! Then you get the registry. Everything on the registry is way too expensive. I love you, but I cannot spend my rent on salt and pepper shakers.
54. Then she does get married and you never hear from her again. Don’t neglect friends for spouses. You can all be friends, you know.
55. Now your friend’s pregnant, congrats! The couple announces, “we’re pregnant!” No, she’s pregnant. You, mister, will worship the ground she walks because she is growing an actual human.
56. You scored tickets to Hamilton. Best day ever! Wait, there’s no parking. Haven’t the same number of people come to this theater since it opened 60 years ago?
57. Never fear! There is parking across the street. That will be triple what you paid for your theater ticket. Overpaying for parking is how my budget got ruined.
58. Bumper Stickers. Whether a stick family or ten-year-old political campaign, you convey only one message to me: your car value went down.
59. People who think it’s cool that they haven’t read a book since high school. You may not have liked Huckleberry Finn, but have you read “The Hate U Gave,” “Circe” or at least picked up Mindy, Tina or Amy’s book.
— 60th of 82 Pet Peeves
60. Being Interrupted. That really took the wind out of my sails.
61. Sneezing without covering your mouth. It’s snot okay.
62. Socks sliding down in your shoes. What did I ever do to you? I might have to lose you in the dryer.
63. Or a rock in the shoe.
64. Did you know that know-it-alls don’t know everything?
65. Papercuts. How can something so small bother me all day?
66. Leaving dishes in the sink. Thank you. I really wanted to spend my whole day scrapping old sauce off this pan.
67. Slow Walkers. Keep up please.
68. Is that smoke or pot in this crowded place? I will never get that smell out of my clothes… or hair.
69. Micromanaging. But should that be #67 or #68?
70. Leaving Shopping Carts in parking spots. That blue Tesla literally parked next to the cart return.
71. Correcting. Technically, a blue Tesla doesn’t park next to something. The person inside the car parks the Tesla.
72. Snoring. I will never sleep again.
73. People who are overly sarcastic. Oh no! I’m beginning to rethink this whole article and we’re almost to 80.
74. Click. Click. 70X more clicks. It’s hard to focus when someone is relentlessly clicking their pen.
75. It’s been a long day and I cannot wait to take a shower. Is that a dead mouse? Nope, my roommate left hair in the drain.
76. The overaggressive photographer. That was a great trip! Here are photos of all twenty meals we ate, fifty selfies and a few of you looking angrily at me because I had my phone out again.
77. Not dressing your age. Forever 21 has that name for a reason.
78. Cutting in line. Even kindergarteners know it’s wrong.
79. Haggling prices for skilled jobs. Do you really want to haggle over the price of this tattoo that I’m about to give you?
80. Last, but not least, Christmas decorations that are still up in February. I’ll give you the beginning of January, but I can’t help you after that.
Erin is a creative writer with a background in film studies. She has worked both for corporations and as a freelancer. Her craft has taken her all over the world. She loves the art of language and enjoys writing about pretty much anything that people are passionate about.
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