35 Jewish Jokes

Jewish jokes are not a social fact, something out there in the world, but rather a constructed category. It is the construction that constitutes the social fact. A lot of these jokes did come out of suffering. There’s no question about that. But as Jews became more prosperous and secular, as they became more assimilated, that did change. And it changed to the point where you see almost the alternative of suffering; humor. Her are 35 jokes you can both enjoy and conclude some important social characteristics from:

 

The Best Jewish Jokes

 

1. Three Jews met on a train. First one was Russian, the second was Iraqi, and the third one was from Palestine. The Russian Jew grabbed a vodka bottle, threw it outside the train’s window and said, ‘we have a lot of these back home’. The Iraqi Jew held a box of dates, threw it outside the train’s window and said, ‘we have a lot of these back home’. The last Jew scratched his head then caught the Russian Jew and threw him outside the window.

 

2. A Jew merchant imported a number of bras but then discovered he was scammed and the bras were of extremely large size. So, he decided to sell them for a Palestinian from Hebron. first person he meets. And so he did. The next day, the guy came back asking for more because he made a fortune. The merchant was perplexed and asked him how he was able to sell all of them. The guy said that he cut each one into halves and then sold them to orthodox Jews as skullcaps.

 

3. The wife said to her Jew husband, ‘today marks my birthday and our marriage anniversary. So, you are supposed to bring me two gifts. The Jew husband burst into laughter and replied, ‘don’t worry dear, I didn’t forget. Her are your two gifts’ and he handed her two pair of socks.

 

4. A newspaper received an angry mail from an angry jew that says, ‘ if you did not stop on posting jokes that makes fun of cheap Jews, I will stop borrowing your newspaper.’

 

5. Two Jew men were walking and chatting by the beach:

– If you ever had six palaces, will you give me one?
– Of course!
– And if you ever had six cars, will you give me one?
– Of course!
– And if you ever had six shirts, will you give me one?
– No way!
– Why not?
– Because I do have six shirts!

 

6. A Jew man rushed to his friend and said, ‘ I saw a man kissing your wife near your pile of woods’. The Jew friend asked, ‘ which pile of woods? The one on the left or the one on the right?
– The one on the left.
– Yeah, that’s not my pile of woods.

 

7. There was a Jew who came to Haifa a port trying to smuggle two sacks of coffee and when they ask him, ‘What’ve you got in the sack?” he said, “Bird feed.” And when they asked him, “Since when do birds eat coffee?” he said, “they’ll eat if they want; if they don’t, they won’t.”

Next: 120 Mexican Jokes

 

8. A kid is walking with his father in the middle of the 21st century. And someone says, your son is so handsome. And he says, thank you. I’m flattered. And so is my son. He says, what’s your son’s name? He says, his name is Shlomo. Shlomo? What kind of name is Shlomo? He says, well, he was named after his dead grandfather, whose name was Scott.

 

9. JERRY SEINFELD: I saw a thing – actually, a study – that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the No. 1 fear of the average person. No. 2 was death. This means, to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

 

10. A Jew man on his deathbed who smells noodle kugel?
His daughter is dutifully there. And he says, I smell kugel. And she says, yeah, Mom is making some kugel. He’s on his last breaths. And he says, just to taste Kugel once before I die. And she says, of course, Daddy. And she runs into the kitchen, gets back. She sits down. She folds her hands. He says – barely even able to say the words – where’s the kugel? And she says, Mom says it’s for after.

 

11. An older man in Miami Beach falls down, is hurt. And someone puts him on a stretcher and says, are you comfortable? And he says, I make a living.

 

12. A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The hijackers asked the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewelry. When they replied that they hadn’t any, the hijackers told them that immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.

 “My last wish,” began the Rabbi, “is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted to give but I’ve never been allowed to finish.”

“We will grant your wish,” the hijackers replied.

“My last wish,” said the cantor, “is to sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it.”
“We’ll let you sing it,” replied the hijackers.
“What is your last wish,” the hijackers asked the shul president.
“Please, please shoot me now.”

 

13. Moishe was eating in a Chinese restaurant and was chatting to his Chinese waiter. Moishe commented upon what a wise people the Chinese were.

“Yes,” replied the waiter, “we’re wise because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very wise, are they not?”

Moishe replied, “Yes, we are. Our culture is 5,000 years old.”

The waiter was surprised to hear this. “That can’t be true,” he replied, “where did your people eat for a thousand years?”

 

14. The rabbi of Chelm goes missing. Local men go looking for him, and they find a body in a field. But the body has no head, so they are not sure whether

it’s the rabbi or not. No one can remember whether the rabbi actually HAD a head or not, so they figure if he didn’t have a head,

it was the rabbi after all. So they go to ask people who might know.

So they went to ask the shammes, who had always served the rabbi. The shammes replied, “To tell the truth, I am also not sure if he, peace be upon him, had a head or not. He was always wrapped in his talis [prayer shawl] and I could only see what appeared below the talis.”

So the Khelmites went to ask the bathhouse attendant. The attendant said, “In truth, almost every erev shabes [Sabbath eve] I washed the rabbi. He would, however, lie on the topmost bench, which is wrapped in thick steam, so I would see only his feet.

So the Khelmites went to the rebitsin [rabbi’s wife]. The rebitsin answered, “I know only that my husband, may he have a bright paradise, had a nose, because every erev shabes he would prepare snuff to snort. If he also had a head – this I do not know.”

And thus, until this very day, the Khelmites do not know whether their rabbi had a head or not.

Next: 91 Clean Dumb Silly Jokes

 

15. A priest, a minister and a rabbi are complaining about their rodent problem. The priest says, “Well, we put mouse traps everywhere, but they didn’t work.”

Then the minister says, “Well, we tried using rat poison, but that didn’t kill them all.
Then the rabbi says, “I found a foolproof plan that got rid of all of them. I just gave them Bar Mitzvahs and I never saw them again.”

 

16. One day, the special golden phone on the desk of the Orthodox Israeli Chief Rabbi rings for the first time. Amazed, the Chief Rabbi picks up the phone and asks in a halting voice, “Who is there?”

“This is God speaking. I have two very important messages to give you. Would you like the good news or the bad news first?”

The Rabbi, after a quick blessing, responds, “O Holy One, if it
pleases you, please give me the good news first.”

God continues, “The good news is that all Jews will finally agree on
One form of Judaism, and they will unite in peace, harmony, and mutual goodwill for ever and ever.”

The Rabbi answers, “Baruch Hashem (Blessed is God), this is the Most wonderful news in Jewish History! What could possibly be the Bad news?”

God says, “I’m calling from Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation.”

 

17. An old Jewish man on his deathbed who asks his family to summon a priest so he can convert to Catholicism.

After the quick conversion, his shocked family asks him why – after a lifetime of being a pious Jew – he had chosen to become a Christian.

“Well,” he said, “I decided that if someone’s got to go, I’d rather it be one of them.”

 

18. Two old Jews walking past a Catholic church boasting a billboard which reads, “Convert to Catholicism now and get $1,000 in cash.”

“You wait here,” Abe tells Sol. “I’m going in.”

A short time later, Abe comes out. “That’s it. I’ve converted.”

“Did you get the money?” asks Sol.

“That’s all you people think about?” retorts Abe.

 

19. The United States of America has recently elected the first Jewish president and it’s the day of his inauguration.

In the front row sits the new president’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

“You see that man over there with his hand on the Bible?”

The Senator whispers back, “Yes I do.”

Says Mom proudly, “His brother’s a doctor.”

 

20. Moishe goes to his rabbi and tell him: rabbi, I’m feeling a little guilty and must confess something.

The rabbi says: sure, what happened?

Moishe: well, a few weeks ago I didn’t washed my hands before dinner.

Rabbi: okay, it’s not that bad. Out of curiosity, why didn’t you wash your hands?

Moishe: I didn’t said the food blessing so I thought that it would be inappropriate.

Rabbi: why didn’t you say your blessing?

Moishe: I wad in a restaurent and didn’t feel comfortable in front of everyone

Rabbi: why? Didn’t everyone say their blessings?

Moishe: not one of them. You see, it was in a goyim restaurant.

Rabbi: you ate at a goyim restaurant?!

Moishe: what can I do? All the Jewish restaurants were closed on Yom Kippur.

 

21. The rabbi comes down to breakfast later than usual. He has taken a long time over his morning prayers.

His wife asks, “So nu, what took you so long?”

He answers, “I was asking God for something exceptionally important today.

“What was that?”

“I prayed that the rich should give all their extra wealth to the poor, and everybody should have enough.”

She snorts. “For that you made yourself late for breakfast? What are the chances that’s going tohappen?”

He answers calmly, “It’s already half done.”

“What do you mean, half done?”

“It’s already half done. The poor have agreed to accept…”

 

22. The grand rabbi of Paris was interviewed on the radio, and the reporter finally asks him “Now, tell us, these jokes about the yiddishe mama, are they really true?”
And the rabbi answered “Well, there’s a lot of exaggeration; but when I was young, if I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, when I came back, my bed had been redone!”.

 

23. A yeshiva student somehow came to win two tickets to the Opera, so he went to his rabbi to ask if he would be committing a transgression by going. The rabbi thought for a bit and said: “It’s not oy’ver ’till the fat lady sings”

 

24. A Jewish young man tells his mother he will bring three girls (a blond, a brunette & a redhead) for diner, in order to determine if his mother is capable of guessing correctly which one he’s dating. After the diner he asks his mom..
– So, which one do you think I’m dating?
– I think it’s the brunette.
– Mom, that’s amazing! How did you guess?
– I don’t know.. I just don’t like her!

 

25. A young couple asked to talk with their rabbi. So he invited them in to his office and asked how he could help them.

“Rabbi – we don’t know if we’re allowed to have sex on the Sabbath. Can you tell us?”

He immediately answered “Of course you can have sex on the Sabbath!”

“How can you be so sure about that?”

The rabbi smiled. “Believe me – if sex was work then my wife would have the maid do it.”

Next: Jokes for Teens

 

26. A rabbi and a priest are having a friendly debate about who has the best profession. The priest thinks that it is much better to be a member of the christian clergy because, as he puts it, “there is no glass ceiling! If you work hard and put in your time then you get promoted! One day I may even be able to be a Bishop or a Cardinal, but you are stuck as a rabbi.”

The rabbi ponders this for a moment and then asks the priest “well what if you are the best catholic there is?”

“Well, if I work my hardest and God sees to bless my ministry then one day I could become pope! It is the greatest honor in Catholicism. Everyone craves that pointy hat and luxurious pope-mobile. Imagine waking up to see the magnificent paintings of Michelangelo as you start your day. What could inspire a more holy mood?”

And the rabbi says “True, but what if you work even harder, what if you perform great miracles and redefine the faith in a way inspired by god himself?”

“Well, I mean, I would still be the pope. He is the pinnacle of Catholicism. Its not like a mere catholic man like myself could become a god!”

To which the rabbi responds “One of our boys did it.”

 

27. Three friends, a jew, a christian, and a muslim go for a fishing trip. They head out in the water and begin to fish and before to long the christian says “I’ve got to go to the bathroom” so he goes to the side of the ship jumps off and walks to a nearby island and does his thing behind a rock and walks back. The jew is taken aback by this but pushes it from his mind. Later the muslim says he has to go to the bathroom then he too walks across the water to the island and does his thing behind a rock and comes back. Now the jew think “Oh well surely if these two fellows can walk across the water surely god’s chosen people can.” So he gets up and lies “Well I gotta use the bathroom too.” Walks over to the side of the ships jumps off, and, plummets into the water the other guys barely get over in time to keep him from drowning then they say “Damn dude if you didn’t know where the rocks were why didn’t you ask?”

 

28. How does a Jew make tea?
– Hebrews it.

 

29. God appears in a cloud of glory to the President of the U.S., the British prime minister, and the Israeli prime minister, and tells each of them that the world will end in two weeks.

The President goes on TV and says, “My fellow Americans, God has told me that the world will come to an end in just two weeks. Let us all pray, get our affairs in order, and bring the history of this great republic to a close with dignity and honor.”

The British leader goes on TV and says, “Although I’m frightfully sorry to tell you this, dear friends, it seems that we might be in for a spot of bother in a fortnight. Just a word to the wise, mind you.”

The Israeli prime minister goes on TV and says, “My fellow Israelis, I have wonderful news! We now know that we will never have to give up a single inch of our territory to the Palestinians again!”

 

30. Ira, old Jewish salesman, is once again visiting the anti-Semitic Swellmart buyer. He has to call on every store in his territory no matter how unlikely success may be. The asshole from Swellmart abuses Ira for a while and tells him: “Ira, today is your lucky day, I will order from you some 1/4 inch rope, enough to reach from the end of your long nose to the tip of your prick!”

A week later truckloads of rope appear at Swellmart and the buyer is livid.
He calls Ira “You stupid Jew, what is with all the rope! I only ordered enough to go from the end of your nose to the tip of your prick!”

Ira replied:
“The tip of my prick is in Poland.”

 

31. A man goes to his rabbi and says “Rabbi, what should I do? My son has gone off and become a Christian!”

The rabbi says “I’m not sure what to tell you, because my son has gone off and become a Christian. Let us ask God.”

And God says “Fellas, my son also went off…”

 

32. An anti-Semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn’t like it.

“Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!”

Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

“Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, and a burger!”

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, “Everyone except the Jew.”

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, “Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?”

“Oh no, sir, he’s the owner.”

 

33. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi go on a fishing trip together. While out in the middle of the lake, they realize they left their lunches on the shore.

The rabbi moves to start rowing back, but the priest stops him. “I’ll go get it,” he says, and he walks on the water to the shore and back.

“That’s incredible!” says the rabbi, “but how did you do it?”

“Through Christ, all things are possible,” the rabbi replied.

The rabbi expresses doubts, but the minister assures him this is true. To prove the point, he also walks on water to the shore and back.

“Ok, you know what? I’ll show you. You don’t need any false moshiach to do a trick like that!” says the rabbi. He steps off the boat… and falls into the lake.

As he’s sputtering and struggling to stay afloat, the priest turns to the minister and says….

“Do you think we should show him the stepping stones?”

 

34. A church, a mosque, and a synagogue were all within the same 3 block radius. Thus, the priest, the rabbi, and an imam became good friends and would have dinner once a week to talk about anything – their congregations, sports, the weather, politics, etc.

One day, there’s a massive rat infestation that affects all their buildings. Unsure what to do, they all agree they’ll try their own method for getting rid of the rats and will report on their results at the following weekly dinner.

The next week, the priest is stressed, the imam is stressed, but the rabbi looks completely calm. The imam says, “I tried introducing cats to my mosque to kill the rats, but the cats could not keep up. The rats are still everywhere! It’s as if the problem is worse now than before!”

The priest says, “I tried hiring an exterminator. The problem went away for a day or two, but now they’re back! The problem is certainly worse now than before!”

The entire time, the rabbi is sitting back, looking calm.
“Well rabbi – did you solve your rat problem?”

“I did.”

“Tell us! How did you do it?!”

The rabbi says, “I invited them to my synagogue, I taught them Hebrew, I gave them all B’nei Mitzvahs – and then they left and never came back!”

 

35. A Priest, a minister, and a rabbi are talking together at lunch about what they do with donations from congregants.

Minister says, “Well, I draw a line on the floor in my office, then I throw all the money in the air. Whatever lands on one side of the line is for god, the other side is for me.”

Priest: “Hey, me too! Except I draw a circle.”

Rabbi: “I throw the money in the air as well, but whatever god catches themselves, god can keep.”

Eman Basher
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