130 Very Dark Jokes

Dark humor can split a room but luckily we’re not all in one room. You’re here because you love dark comedy and you won’t be disappointed. We’ve got a list of 130 dark jokes to quench your disgusting thirst.

Humor is often the best way of dealing with difficult subjects and pushing boundaries. Plus it can be fun finding out where people’s line is. A lot of the time you realise that people’s sense of humor is a lot darker than you thought it was and then on the odd occasion you manage to ruin a wholesome family Christmas.

But this is a safe space here. Strap in, read on and be advised that this won’t be for the faint hearted so if you’re prone to cancel things then maybe its best to stick to twitter. If you like your humor served dark then you’re in the right place.

100’s Of The Best Dark Jokes

I asked my wife to clean the oven, I probably should’ve turned it off first.

I explained to my family what the human centipede was the other day, granted it didn’t need the demonstration

Why do people cry out ‘Oh my God’ during sex? because it’s holey.

I ordered a white Russian. He invaded my house.

I told my son if he didn’t finish eating his vegetables he wouldn’t get dessert. He’s still in the special school.

I took my family skydiving. Next time I’ll give them parachutes.

We had to put the family dog down. It was annoying me.

I tried talking to a Titanic survivor once. For some reason they didn’t like me breaking the ice.

My daughter was whining so I told her to shut up and bite the bullet. She did, as soon as we got to the shooting range.

I find that during sex it’s best not to beat around the bush

What’s worse than finding out you have cancer? Having your teacher tell you.

My cousin came to visit and he was like a fish out of water. Because he couldn’t breathe as I strangled him.

I scattered my Grandad’s ashes in the place he loved best. On top of Grandma.

My Dad is really scraping the barrel when it comes to his booze. Then again, he is an alcoholic.

My friend said that the abuse he suffered at the hands of the church actually made him stronger. It was a blessing in disguise.

“Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains” “I’m sectioning you”

War huh! What is it good for? Genocide.

My uncle is a massive gamer. Last week he killed an endangered Rhino.

I told my boss that this wasn’t the job for me. So he stopped giving me head.

My sister told me that she thought she always got things wrong and the world would be better off without her. I said “Finally, you got something right”.

My mom told me I was a disappointment. So I took some viagra.

Old people, you can’t beat them. Unfortunately.

I got confused by my parents’ instructions to care for my baby brother. They told me to forget about it. So I left him in the bath.

My friend said he had aids. I said “are you sure”. He said “I’m HIV positive”.

My Grandad’s last wish was to have the words ‘your sister’ carved into his tombstone by my Grandma. According to his will it’s what he would have wanted.

I asked my Dad for a ride. Now I’m in therapy.

A suicide bomber walks into a comedy club. He had us in pieces.

What’s a priest’s favourite movie? The lost boys.

My diabetic friend’s weight loss diet is a bit extreme. He got his foot amputated.

I buried my Grandma yesterday. Her last words were “where did you get that shovel from?”

My doctor told me I had an STD. I was livid. He told me he was clean.

My wife told me we were expecting twins. “That’s a shame” I said, “I didn’t want a threesome.”

My daughter told me that she was becoming a prostitute. “That’s crazy!” I said. “You’re nowhere near hot enough”

What do you call a homeless person who’s died? A solution.

I’ve set my sights on this really hot girl. Now I can’t wait to pull the trigger.

What’s the most effective form of contraception? Killing them after.

What’s the place that’s most uncomfortable to sit? Harvey Weinstein’s casting couch.

My friend was on suidide watch alone in his room. I called him up and told him to hang in there.

The ozone layer is fast becoming as dangerous for the planet as my condoms are.  Because both have plenty of holes in them.

My girlfriend called me a grammar nazi the other day. So I executed her on her period.

My dog is very obedient which is great because I like to be dominant when we’re in bed.

What do you call a baby boomer with a child? I don’t know, he left when I was a baby.

Have I told you about my favourite famous crush? The one in South Korea.

I wouldn’t recommend the porno I just watched. I expected a lot more from Snow White and the Seven dwarfs.

Why don’t priests like the history channel? It’s too old.

Once I took my kids on vacation to an island. Epstein’s island.

I took a flat earther to a cliff once, to demonstrate how gravity works.

My glue salesman brother told me where the best place to get glue was. It was straight from the horse’s mouth.

A book by Marcel Proust contains an estimated 9,609,000 characters, making it the longest book in the world. Second is a compilation of excuses made by Prince Andrew.

Greta Thunburg is always complaining about car fumes. I haven’t decided yet whether to take the hose out the exhaust pipe.

My date was hot but gave me covid. She really took my breath away.

I’ve just managed to buy a house as my investments have just paid off. I spent $5 on a pillow then went to grandad’s house.

Do you like the name I gave my cat? Dead.

My friend told me that he’d quit gambling. I said “I bet you haven’t”.

My friend got annoyed and told me I’d sent him up a creek without the paddle. I wonder what he says when he sees the waterfall.

I make the technology in my house idiotproof. But my wife still insists on using it.

What’s the only parent an orphan has? A sugar daddy.

I get really annoyed when I see a baby on a plane. Unless it’s 9/11.

Have I told you about the pacifist orgy I went to? I thought ‘if you can’t beat em, join em’.

I left a blind guy in the forest. He couldn’t see the wood from the trees.

I only just passed my dentistry exam, by the skin of my teeth.

I was having an argument with my girlfriend. I was playing devil’s advocate, so I burnt her in a lake of fire.

The first airplane flew on December 17, 1903. The first airplane with free office access at its destination was 9/11.

I told my wife she was on thin ice with me but I was the one with the lifejacket.

My uncle told me he had high blood pressure and was on the verge of a heart attack. I told him to take the news with a pinch of salt

My double jointed cousin didn’t want to go to the trampoline park but I managed to twist his arm.

I shared 9/11 conspiracy theories with my friends but they shot it down in flames.

I would go vegan but I have too much of a steak in being happy.

My paedophile friend was telling me a story about his weekend. I got bored and told him to cut to the chase.

In 2014, there was a Tinder match in Antarctica. At least that’s what the man claimed after he was found with a penguin.

I’ve got a friend who keeps going on about how much he loves old engines. I told him that if he loves them so much why doesn’t he blow off some steam.

Have you heard about the sex addict weather man? He comes rain or shine.

I know a blind couple who are always arguing. They can never see eye to eye.

My amputee uncle just bought some really expensive prosthetics. It cost him an arm and a leg.

I asked my African friend how he was. He said he was “starving”.

My friend isn’t fussy when it comes to his sexual partners. He’ll do it regardless, through thick and thin.

Did you know that Australia is wider than the moon? But just as white.

My Dad got alopecia. I told him not to worry. Fortune favours the bald.

My friend was struggling to get pregnant. I told her not to put all her eggs in one basket.

People are more creative in the shower. For example I’m always thinking of new ways to dispose of the body.

Walt Disney currently holds the most Academy Awards. But the least tolerance towards jews.

My friend poured his heart out to me the other day. Now I’ve got to get rid of the body.

My amputee friend asked me why I had sex with his prosthetic. I told him I was just pulling his leg.

Trypophobia is the fear of closely-packed holes. It’s also the fear of orgies.

I told my sick brother I would donate my organs. That Chinese restaurant is going to be so happy.

My kids have always got ants in their pants. They keep telling me to stop putting them there.

My grandma has bats in the belfry. That’s how long it’s been since she’s got laid.

With my family there’s always an elephant in the room. It’s my sister.

My uncle says that you can’t put lipstick on a pig. I asked him “How do you explain auntie”.

My girlfriend says I should stop shooting poor people. She says they’re cheap shots.

The actors who voiced Mickey and Minnie mouse got married in real life. I wonder if she discovered his cheese.

Humans are the only animals that blush. The scientist that found this out is now wanted for beastiality.

I slept with a whore who was into watersports once. Easy come, easy go.

I asked a paedophile if he found his victims at little league games. He sais “you’re in the right ballpark”.

I asked my amputee friend if he’d give me a hand.

Michael Jackson once asked his plastic surgeon if he could do him a favour. The surgeon responded “No skin off my nose”

Have you heard about the prostitute that didn’t know what they were doing. They were wet behind the ears.

A person can’t hum if you hold your nose. They can’t tell the police if you cover their mouth as well.

Nothing can get between me and my grandparents, apart from covid.

 I like using hookers but I like getting my money’s worth. I’m always looking for more bang for my buck.

At dinner I always go dutch. And smoke a massive joint.

In preparing for my son’s birthday my wife told me to move on from the balloons, so I put a pin in it.

When driving to a school shooting I prefer to ride shotgun.

Did you hear about the man in Saudi Arabia who got his feet removed publicly. They really knocked his socks off.

I named my son base. My brother says he can’t wait to touch base with me soon.

Who’s the most scared in Korea? The dogs.

I dreamt I was a surgeon the other day. At least I think I did.

The original name for the search engine Google was Backrub. Funnily enough both are used by child molesters to get what they want.

My neighbours are really into BDSM. They can’t wait to hit the sack.

Bats are the only mammal that can actually fly. As long as they’re not around a Chinese food stall.

My grandma is strong willed. I just hope I’m in it.

In my house there’s not enough room to swing a cat, but I still try.

They say you shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you. Someone should’ve told Jeffrey Dahmer.

I tried bouncing something off someone the other day but it didn’t go down well. Next time I’ll use the knife on someone else.

I slept with a fat girl. She was as easy as pie.

My grandparents say it was better in the old days. I don’t care how much they want it, slavery isn’t coming back.

A cannibal asked me if I minded him coming over for dinner. I told him “eat your heart out”.

Did you hear about the man who had his head chopped off? He had a low profile.

I really enjoyed the orgy I went to the other day. 5 thumbs up.

What do you call a group of naked people bathing with an eating disorder? Skinny dipping.

Why did R Kelly not like to speak during sex? Because silence is golden.

What’s another name for what happens if you ejaculate during your sleep? A pipe dream.

Elephants can’t jump. Especially the white ones.

What did the girl on her period say before she went out? “I’m going to paint the town red”.

I can’t wait for when world hunger ends. When all the starving people die.

I won’t tell you who I slept with in your house last night because mums the word.

A Tigers’ skin, just like their fur, is actually striped. Especially after I finish hunting them.

Doctor doctor. I thought I might have Alzheimer’s but I’ve forgotten.

I once castrated a man during Wimbledon. I told the organisers “Now the ball is in your court”.

A cannibal struggled to finish his dinner. He bit off more than he could chew.