The 85 Very Best Lawyer Jokes

The 85 Very Best Lawyer Jokes

In a profession as serious as the law can be, it’s important for lawyers to keep a light-heart and not take life too seriously. And exchanging jokes about themselves is a great way to do just that!

Here are a few examples:

85 Funny And The Best Lawyer Jokes

What would you prefer? A legal education or a Rolex?

Easy, a Rolex. It’s cheaper!

A kid on a college campus got confused and accidentally stumbled upon a job fair on the way to the medical school. When asked what he was there for, he said, “A turned knee.” He walked away with pamphlets about how to prepare for the LSAT.

Why are lawyers good at limbo? Because they always pass the bar.

“Oh, goody! Free legal advice” the dreaded phrase heard by every law student ever.

I sought out a divorce attorney named Rich—I thought it would be a good omen for my financial status after the proceedings were over.

Lawsuits—a lawyer’s favorite outfit.

Every law student’s favorite lullaby: “Twinkle, twinkle, little bar, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, it’s my entire future upon which you rely.”

What do law students and marathon runners have in common? They both want to be first.

Lawyers play DJ Khaled’s “All I do is Win” in their heads before entering a courtroom.  

Family lawyer? More like gossip funnel, best friend, and therapist.

When a lawyer reads a death notice, the first thing he wonders is, “Did they have a will?”

Why don’t lawyers play tag? They know no one will chase them.

A lawyer walked into a sushi restaurant and ordered some “sueyou.”

A defendant says that he won’t speak to the police without the presence of his attorney. But after the lawyer walked in empty handed, he said, “Oh, no. I thought there were presents involved . . .”

An art student arrived on the first day of painting class with an attorney and a piece of paper. She looked around at the wooden stands before everyone else, and said, “Oops! I thought we needed an easement.”

Before students graduate law school, they should get vouchers to a chiropractor. Lord knows they’re gonna need one after lugging around all those heavy books.

Kids in a third-grade class were going around the classroom and saying what they wanted to be. One little girl got confused as to when her time was up, so she asked, “A turn, me?” The poor thing grew up to be a corporate lawyer.

Families full of attorneys are just like Ogres . . . they’ve got lawyers and lawyers.

The exam students have to take in order to apply for law school is called the LSAT. No, no. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t stand for “Law School Admission Test.” For simplicity’s sake, it was shortened. It should have been LSATFNRBTSHNTDWLS: “Let’s Study A Ton For No Reason Because This Stuff Has Nothing To Do With Law School.”

All new lawyers have arrived on the job and thought, “What the heck? The past three years did NOT prepare me for this!” at least once.

What do law students and contestants on America’s Next Top Model have in common? They all wanna “be on top.”

Why are there so many Irish lawyers? . . . they thought becoming a member of the bar was some kind of lifetime induction at their local pub.

This one isn’t so much a joke as just an interesting fact. You know the traditional law school scene where the professor says, “Look to your right, next semester, one of you will be gone?” They ACTUALLY say that. Isn’t that crazy?!

The hip hop world has the Notorious BIG . . . the legal world has RBG.

Every law student has heard, “Oh! It’s wonderful to have a lawyer in the family.”

Shirts that say “Harvard Law (just kidding)” are a favorite among the fathers of lawyers and law students alike.

Every law student has received a mug that reads “Trust me, I’m a lawyer (almost)” gifted to them at some point.

I told my non-lawyer friend that I wanted a settlement. She said, “Oh! That’s my favorite flavor of gum!”

A law student showed up to her first day of Contracts with a chunk of fake hair. When she walked in and saw the other students she said, “Ohhh! I thought you meant we were supposed to bring in a con’s track. This is my cousin’s. She robbed a bank.”

A law student was asked if he lifted weights. He looked down at his bulging biceps and said, “Nah. I’ve never even been to the gym. These are from carrying the books.”

I showed up to a client’s office the other day, and the receptionist asked what was in my hand. When I responded it was an affidavit, she pointed me to man named David’s office. I don’t know why; I was looking for a Patricia.

A guy in my class answered “Detroit” after the professor asked, “What is eminent domain?” He didn’t seem to understand when everyone else laughed.

When asked what stare decisis was, a girl in my class answered, “Um, a constellation or something?”

Lawyers may deny ever seeing “How I Met Your Mother,” but inside, they say “lawyered!” every time they make a successful argument.

A man mistook a courthouse for a hospital. When asked in the hallway what he was in for, he responded “a junk shin.” He was confused when someone handed him a restraining order form.

A family walked into a law firm to discuss the passing of a loved one. When asked about an intestate, someone pointed out the window at the highway nearby.

A random person showed up at a law firm one day.

“How can I help you?” the receptionist asked.

“I just agreed to be a power of attorney. I thought that meant I could just show up here and start working.”

 Four roommates were at home talking. One asked the group where they wanted to go for Spring Break, another asked the law student what she was studying. She replied, “Lacuna.” The next day, she was surprised by a plane ticket to California.

An employee was instructed to review a contract. It said that the company had to go through mediation if a dispute were to arise. The next day, she showed up with yoga mats and Enya music.

A couple got divorced, and the husband was told that he’d have to provide his wife with maintenance. He showed up at her house a few days later with his toolbox.

A man was told that he had to show up in court with pleadings. He came in screaming, “Pleeeease!!! Pleeeease!!”

A lawyer volunteered to represent clients “pro bono.” When she showed up, she was wearing a U2 shirt.

A contractor wanted to get out of performing on a contract. After reviewing the terms, he realized that “an act of God” could break the agreement. So, he showed up on the job site with a Bible. He opened it up, set it on the ground, and waited. . . . he ended up having to do the work.

When an older sister was asked if she was in court for an “in loco parentis” hearing. She responded, “Oh, yeah. Our parents are crazy.”

What does a lawyer do in her free time? Read about the law.

A law student was told that he was to use Westlaw to research his project. He spent the entire weekend watching John Wayne movies.

An attorney quickly realized that she could only discuss her cases outside of her house. Every time she said “pro bono” her dog went nuts.

A law clerk was asked to bring “the exhibit” to court. His supervisors were confused when he handed them a rap CD.

A client was told that the person presiding over his case was an “active judge.” His lawyers were shocked when he showed up to court in sweatpants.

A client was told that his lawyers were going to file an amicus curiae. She showed up the next day with spices in his hand. “I couldn’t figure out what “amicus” was, but I have this . . .”

I woman seeking a divorce showed up at a law firm. When she was advised to list all of her assets, so started to look behind her before the lawyers said, “Oh, no! Not like that!”

A defendant was advised that he could get bail. He got up and tried to bolt out of the room.

An attorney handed her client a legal document. “Dang!” the client said, holding up the pile of documents. “I thought you said this was going to be brief!”

A man walked into a courtroom and walked up to the reporter and asked, “What kind of questions do you want to ask me?”

 “I’m not that kind of reporter . . .” she responded.

A defendant was complaining about having to have a “public pretender.” The lawyer, gestured up to her degree from Harvard hanging on the wall. “I beg to differ,” she said.

A defendant was told that he was being charged with a felony. He was baffled. “I don’t  even eat processed meat!”

A man learned that Congress authorizes a number of judgeships for each district. “Whoa! They get ships?” he said.

A debtor was told that she’d have to liquidate her assets. “Like, I have to blend everything up?” she asked.

A lawyer was discussing precedent with his client. He was presented with a “per curiam” brief. He asked, “What does curry have to do with this?”

A defendant told his lawyer that he wanted to represent himself “pro se.” He said, “I’m very pro say . . . like the First Amendment and all that . . .”

A defendant was told that he was sentenced to probation. He seemed agreeable to this but asked, “I’m all for it, but what’s ‘bation?’ I should probably know if I’m going to be a supporter of it.”

A judge indicated that she was going to make a decision sua sponte. The defendant leaned over and asked, “Is that what she’s having for lunch or something? Sounds good.”

A law student showed up to his tort class with a toaster. “Oh . . . I must have misheard . . .”

A client was advised that his claim was unliquidated. He said, “It was never liquid in the first place . . .”

After the judge announced that the attorneys would be conducting voir dire, a potential juror leaned over to another and said, “What is that? Like a fancy deer or something?”

A juror heard the word voir dire and leaned over to another and asked, “Is that like a fancy bag or something?”

A law professor was confused when he was grading a student’s paper that consistently mentioned Xzibit A, Xzibit B, etc.

A law student in class couldn’t help but singing, “X to the Z and we all in the family” after the professor mentioned an exhibit.

A girl mentioned her father-in-law to her friend. The friend responded, “Oh! That’s crazy, I didn’t know you were married!” The girl was visibly confused and explained, “No, I’m not. My uncle is a priest and a lawyer.”

A client showed up to her lawyer’s office with a bag full of ice. When asked why, she said, “Your website says that you strive for just-ice.”

What do lawyer’s wear to work? Lawsuits!

The ophthalmologist was confused when his lawyer patient continually asked for “contract” lenses.

An overtired law student was jokingly asked if she still believed in Santa Clause. She freaked out and started combing through her notes. “What’s that one again?”

An overtired law student was at a restaurant when the waiter asked if he wanted coleslaw. He freaked out and started flipping through the notes he’d brought with him. “Cole’s law? What’s that one again?” he asked in a panic.

What do lawyers order at KFC? Legal tenders.

A client showed up with a picture of his favorite rapper. When asked why he said, “Well, you said I had to prove I was in-a-cent. I figured 50 cent was even better!”

I gave my daughter “Judge Barbie.” The next day, I caught her cutting up my great-grandmother’s doily and putting it around her neck. I was too proud to be mad.

How do attorneys like their eggs? Overruled!

I showed my daughter “Legally Blonde.” The next day, I saw her using her baby sister’s diaper bag as a briefcase and talking into a bottle like it was a cellphone.

I’ve wanted to be a criminal defender ever since I was a little kid. I wanted to represent the Hamburglar because I thought it was ridiculous that he’d be in trouble for taking delicious hamburgers. Sometimes, I still feel the need to cry, “Robble! Robble!”

What did the apprehensive skydiver (and lawyer) say before jumping out of a plane? “Objection!”

The bar, in context of law, has nothing to do with alcohol. New 1L’s can find this confusing at first.

What do you call a super smart lawyer? Your honor.

What’s a lawyer’s favorite dance move? “The Rockaway.” They love to “lien back, lien back.”

What’s a lawyer’s favorite part of a cooked turkey? The suet!

Abbey Bowen