50 Very Best Rodney Dangerfield’s Jokes

Rodney Dangerfield truly mastered the art of self-deprecating humor. His successful stand-up comedy act centered around the lack of respect he received throughout his life. The legendary comedian was never afraid to make jokes at his own expense, often poking fun at his old age, his wife’s ongoing disinterest in him, and his unattractive physical appearance.

Dangerfield was best known for his witty one-liners and the popular catchphrase “I don’t get no respect”. Despite building his career on the idea of being disliked and disparaged, Rodney Dangerfield earned the respect of millions as a beloved comedian and actor. He would go on to star in films such as Caddyshack and Ladybugs, continuing to find success until his death in 2004. Always eager to poke fun at himself, the great comedian once quipped, “I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, ‘There goes the neighborhood!”

Rodney Dangerfield’s legacy of laughter is sure to live on through his hilarious jokes and offbeat jabs. If you’re looking for a chuckle, here are some of Rodney Dangerfield’s most memorable one-liners.

Childhood

“I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin’ from one end to the other.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!”

“I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me… and no one showed up.”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.”

“I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.”

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, and he threw the teacher out of the window.”

“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait til it gets warmer.’”

“In my life I’ve been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

Marriage & Wife

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!”

“My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah. My wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

“My wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.”

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”

“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”

“My wife has to be the worst cook. I don’t believe meatloaf should glow in the dark”

“I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!”

“From my wife, I don’t get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. My wife lit it.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”

“My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, “Why are you jogging in your underwear?” He says, “You came home from work early”.

“Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter’s no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.”

“I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.”

“Marriage … it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.”

Sex & Intimacy

“And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I’m envious of a stiff wind.”

“I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

“I asked my wife last night, “Were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.”

“I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, “what, you can’t think of anybody either?”

“I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

“I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.”

“I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

“I once had a problem … so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem – who to thank.”

“If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.”

“I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.”

“Quitting smoking, now that’s a tough one. My wife and I made a deal, we’ll only smoke after sex. I’ve had the same pack now since 1975.”

“I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, ‘No, one drag is enough.'”

“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.”

“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!”

Doctor Humor

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

“You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”

“I went to see my doctor, Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah, I told him once, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

“With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.”

“What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.”

Everything Else

“I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”

“I solved my drinking problem. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink, but I use a different name.”

“On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me.”

“I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.”

“One year they asked me to be a poster boy — for birth control.”

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

“I tell you, I’m not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!”

“I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mouse trap!”

“My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he’s in the fruit section.”

“I went to the hardware store to buy some rat poison. The cashier says, ‘Do you want a bag, or are you gonna eat it here?’”

“My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

“Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig?” Guy says, “This is a duck.” Bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”

“You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, ‘The car behind me is paying for two.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“My fan club broke up. The guy died.”

“With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”

“I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘no.”