- HUMOR
The 30 Very Best January Jokes
Have you ever cringed because your dad has told a joke which isn’t very funny? Have you ever hoped your dad won’t share his jokes with your friends or while you are out in public as someone might overhear? Well, now is your time to get your own back. We have provided you with 150 “Dad Jokes” so you can be prepared to share your own jokes or, if you are up for the challenge, jokes to teach your dad to improve his repertoire.
THE ULTIMATE
“What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Can February March? No, but April May!
Have you ever had a bad sausage? It’s the wurst
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn’t too bad either.
I got no reaction to my bad chemistry joke.
I love bad puns. Its just how eye roll.
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn’t go into work.
Once I read a book about glue. I couldn’t put it down.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a parking lot.
When is the best time to see the dentist? Tooth-hurty
DID YOU HEAR?
Did you hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? They woke him up
Did you hear about the bossy man in the bar? He ordered everyone around.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? He is now a sour puss.
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.
Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
HOW?
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”
How do you hire a horse? Put up a ladder.
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
How do you light up a pitch? With a football match.
How do you make a band stand? You take away their chairs
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogey in it!
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
WHAT?
What animal is great at 10 pin bowling? Alley Cats
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.
What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me, something smells
What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner’s on me!
What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner!
What did the big flower say to the little flower? What’s up, bud?
What did the boy say to his fingers? I’m counting on you.
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
What did the digital clock say to its mother? “Look, Ma, no hands!”
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
What did the sink say to the toilet? You look a bit flushed
What do clouds wear underneath their pants? Thunderwear
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.
What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.
What do kids play when they have nothing else to do? Bored games.
What do mice floss their teeth with? A cheese string.
What does a lawyer wear to work? A lawsuit
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
What does cake and baseball have in common? They both need a batter.
What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.
What kind of bagel can travel? A plain bagel
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A Sturgeon.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
What makes a robot angry? When you keep pushing his buttons
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries
WHAT DO YOU CALL?
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
What do you call a factory that makes good products? A satisfactory.
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.”
What do you call a man with a gull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a butcher knife? A pork chop.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!
What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk
What do you do if your pet is unwell? Take him to the dog-tor
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite!
WHERE?
Where did people party in medieval times? Knight Clubs
Where do armies belong? In your sleevies.
Where do birds stay when they travel? Somewhere cheap.
Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.
Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.
Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.
Where do sheep go on holiday? The Baaaa-hamas
Where does a polar bear vote? The North Poll
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
WHY?
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.
Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why did the cow go to the cinema? To see a Moo-vie
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Why did the girl bring a ladder on the bus? She wanted to go to high school.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
Why did the man take his watch to the bank? To save time
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning? It had a conductor.
Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
Why did the pony ask for some water? Because it was a little horse.
Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
Why did the rabbit go to the salon? Because it was having a bad hare day.
Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.
Why did the tomato go out with a prune? Because it couldn’t find a date!
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up.
Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants!
Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
Why was the lobster unpopular? Because it was shellfish
Why was the maths book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed.
