50 Rude Jokes

 

Life is a roller coaster. It comes with its beautiful ups, but also its inevitable downs. And when things don’t seem to be going our way, the least you can do is find the humor in the tragedy. Don ́t feel bad about enjoying dark humor here and there, life is sometimes too dark for us to take it seriously!

 

Here we’ve collected 50 rude jokes to help pull out a smile out of life’s dark corners!

Don’t worry, laughing at them won’t make you a bad person!

 

A woman is walking down the street, when she crosses a corner in which a drunk man is leaning. Seeing her, the man screams: you’re one ugly gal!
The woman, furious responds: fucking drunkard!
Smiling, the man answers: at least mine will be gone by tomorrow!

 

What ́s the most expensive streaming service at the moment?
College.

 

Why was the anti-vaxxer ́s 4-year-old crying?
Midlife crisis.

 

A man gets home after work and finds his girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman. She says, “You ́re being arrested under suspicion of being good in bed”.
Two minutes later, she is getting dressed again. The man asks her “will you take me to jail, officer?”
The woman sighs and says, “No. All your charges are dropped due to lack of evidence”.

 

What do you call a book club stuck on the same book for years?
Church.

 

I took an epileptic girl to a rave once. I jokingly told her, “This place has rave reviews”, but she just rolled her eyes at me.

 

A child gets home. His mom and dad are at table. His dad asks, “Why did you took so long, boy?”
“I was at the library, studying for an exam”. The detector beeps. The father explains, “this is a lie detector, boy! You better tell the truth…”
“Ok, ok, I was at a friend ́s house and we were watching a Christian film…” The detector beeps. “Fine! It was a porn!”
The father looks at him disapprovingly, “I’m ashamed of you! At your I age I never lied to my father!”. The detector beeps.
His wife bursts into laughter. “Well, he certainly is your son!”
The detector beeps.

 

I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s ever been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights.”

 

A young guy walks into a drug store. He says to the cashier, “I’ve been invited to dinner at my girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there’s a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean.”
The cashier responds, “I assume you’ll be needing condoms, then?” He gives him a pack. The guy pays and heads for the door, before he smiles, turns around, and comes back. “You know what, her mom is pretty hot too, I think I’ll take another pack”.
Later in the day, while he’s at the dinner, the guy sits at the table but doesn’t say a word. The girlfriend’s mother ask him to say grace. He prays, prays, and prays. After he’s finally done, his girlfriend tells him “I didn’t know you were so religious”.
He replies, “I didn’t know your father worked at the drugstore!”

 

A feminist told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule. It consists in that, in order to determine if a comment is appropriate to say to a woman, first you must ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it.
I thought this was a good rule.
So, I told her,
“Your chest is fucking epic!”

 

Your boobs are like the sun.
I can only stare at them for a short while, but if I wear sunglasses, I can stare all the time I want.

 

A man decided to tattoo his wife’s name on his penis. When hard it reads Wendy on the side of his shaft. When soft it only reads Wy.
On his honeymoon in Jamaica, he’s in the bathroom and notices the guy on the urinal next to him also has Wy tattooed on his penis. He asks her if his wife is also named Wendy. The guy replies, “No man, why do you ask?”
The husband explains his Wendy tattoo. The stranger laughs and then says, “When hard, mine reads Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day”.

 

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

 

A husband tells his wife, “I bet you can’t say something that’ll make me happy and sad at the same time”. She thinks for a bit and says “your penis is bigger than your brother’s”.

 

In her tinder profile, she said she’s 35 but has the body of an 18-year-old.
I asked for a photo, but she said I should wait until tomorrow as she’s naked and doesn’t want to get dressed to go to the freezer in the basement this late at night.

 

A wealthy 60-year-old man shows up at the country club with his new smoking hot 22- year-old wife.
His friends are amazed. “How did you convince her to marry you?” “It’s simple”, he said. “I lied about my age”.
“Did you tell her you’re 50?”, they reply. He shakes his head.
“40? There ́s no way she believed you!” He shakes his head again. “How old did you tell her you were, then?”
He smiles and says, “85”.

 

Now that I’m getting older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was’t such a good idea.

 

Never break someone’s heart. They’ve only got one. Break one of their bones instead.
They have 206 of them.

 

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

 

Why don’t vegans moan during sex?
They don’t want anyone to know they’re enjoying a piece of meat.

 

“Your mom just got a fine for littering.”
“What? Why?”
“For dropping you off at school.”

 

The kid who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
He makes great Subway sandwiches, though.

 

My 9-year-old son has started to ask awkward questions about the human body.
I guess the closet wasn’t the best place to hide it.

 

A girl drops off her dress at the dry cleaners. As she’s leaving, the clerk tells her “Come
again!”
She replies, “no, just toothpaste this time”.

 

If Dwane Johnson had a boyfriend, you could definitely say one thing about him…
He’s hit rock bottom.

 

When 3 people have sex is called a threesome. When it’s just 2, it’s a twosome.
I guess that’s why they call me handsome.

 

When I said you’d lost your mind, I didn’t mean you had to go look for it!

 

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.

 

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altarboy.

 

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can’t do stand up.

 

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don’t. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

 

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

 

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

 

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

 

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

 

What is even worse than waking up after a party and finding a penis was drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

 

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.

 

A black man was shot 15 times. Police said it was the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.

 

Why are gay people bad at hide and seek?
Because they’re always coming out of the closet.

 

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful boy sat in his wheelchair the hole time!

 

9/11 victims are the best readers. They went through hundreds of stories in a few seconds.

 

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

 

Two friends have not been seen since finishing high school:
“Hello, Andrei! God, since we haven’t seen each other before? I found out you finished medicine?”
“Yes, I’m licensed!”
“Then I understood that you did the right thing too?”
“Yes, and I want to do my master’s degree in Cambridge.”
“Excellent, bravo there! Until then, weigh me about 2 pounds of onion!”

 

They say there’s one person in every friend group willing to commit murder. Luckily I killed the guy I suspected before he could do any harm.

 

Guy walks into a bar holding a gun and screams “Who had sex with my wife!”
Nobody says a word. Suddenly a guy in the back replies: “man, you don’t have enough bullets.”

 

A man goes to the beach and sees a woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline. He asks her what ́s wrong.
“I’ve never been hugged before”, she says.
The man hugs her and says, “There, now you’ve been hugged”, and leaves.
The next day, another man goes to the beach and sees the same woman crying by the shoreline. He asks her what’s wrong.
“I’ve never been kissed before.”
The man kisses her and says, “There, now you’ve been kissed”, and leaves.
The next day, another man goes to that same beach and the same woman with no legs and arms is there, crying by the shoreline. He asks her what ́s wrong.
“I’ve never been fucked before.”
The man picks her up and throws her into the ocean. “There, now you’re fucked”.

 

How did communists light their houses before candles? With electricity.

 

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Probably because his name is Michael.

 

A man comes out of the shower and says to his wife, “It’s too hot to wear clothes today”. He continued, Honey, what would the neighbors think if I came out to mow the lawn like this?”
She looks at him up and down. “That I married you for your money”.

 

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

[ Ready for Halloween yet? — 90 Halloween Jokes, 50 Halloween Pickup Lines, 50 Halloween Riddles, 85 Halloween Puns, Pumpkin Puns]
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