Seeing “he/they” in someone’s bio can raise a simple question: should you call that person “he,” “they,” or both?
In most cases, he/they means the person is comfortable with both he/him and they/them pronouns. You might say, “He is coming to dinner,” or “They are coming to dinner.” Both can be correct.
The part that often gets missed is that he/they does not mean exactly the same thing to every person. Some people genuinely like both pronoun sets used interchangeably. Others prefer they/them but accept he/him, especially in places where using gender-neutral pronouns may not feel safe or comfortable.
Who Uses He/They Pronouns?
He/they pronouns are commonly used by people who identify as nonbinary, gender-fluid, transgender, gender-questioning, or gender-nonconforming. Some intersex people may use them too.
A person might feel connected to masculinity without identifying completely as a man. For them, “he” may feel familiar and affirming, while “they” leaves room for a gender identity that is not entirely male.
However, you cannot work out someone’s exact identity from their pronouns alone. One person using he/they may identify as nonbinary, while another may identify as a man. Pronouns tell you how someone wants to be addressed, not their complete personal story.
They also do not reveal someone’s sexual orientation. A person using he/they pronouns could be gay, bisexual, straight, asexual, pansexual, or use another label.
Should You Use He or They?
There is no universal rule.
Some people are happy for you to use either pronoun at any time. For example, you could say, “Sam said he would arrive early because they are helping with the setup.”
Others may prefer one set more often. Someone might use he/they but feel more affirmed when people use “they.” Another person may be comfortable with “they” but prefer “he” in professional or family settings.
This is why using only the first pronoun listed is not always the best approach. If someone has chosen to share two sets, making an effort to use both can show that you are paying attention.
You do not need to awkwardly alternate in every sentence. Use the pronouns naturally, and if you are genuinely unsure, ask, “Do you prefer one more, or are you comfortable with both?”
Why Might Pronouns Change Depending on the Setting?
For some LGBTQ+ people, pronoun use is connected to safety.
Someone may use they/them with close friends but continue using he/him at work, school, or around relatives. This does not make their identity less valid. It may simply mean they are not ready to be open in every part of their life.
This is also why you should be careful not to announce someone’s pronouns to other people without permission. A person may be comfortable being called “they” in one group but not in another.
Respecting pronouns is not only about choosing the right word. It also means respecting the person’s privacy and allowing them to decide where and when they share their identity.
Why Do Pronouns Matter?
Pronouns are ordinary words, but they can carry a great deal of personal meaning.
For a transgender or nonbinary person, hearing the right pronouns may bring a feeling of recognition or gender euphoria. It can be a small sign that the people around them see and accept them as they are.
On the other hand, being repeatedly called by the wrong pronouns can feel dismissive. It may be especially painful when someone has already explained which pronouns they use.
You do not need to understand every gender identity to respect someone’s pronouns. Most of the time, it comes down to listening and making a genuine effort.
What If You Use the Wrong Pronoun?
Mistakes happen, particularly when someone has recently changed their pronouns. The best response is usually a quick correction. You might say, “He will be joining us later, sorry, they will be joining us later.” There is no need to stop the conversation for a long apology. That can make the other person feel responsible for reassuring you. Correct yourself, continue speaking, and try to remember next time.
An occasional mistake is different from deliberately refusing to use someone’s pronouns. Respect is shown through effort, not perfection.
