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The 100 Very Best Riddles
More and more these days, we’re finding that we need to laugh. Laughter is essential to our well-being. However, we can’t all be Carlins, Pryors or Chappelles. We can’t all spit those perfectly crafted, introspective funnies whenever we please. Fear not! We still need dumb jokes! Anyone can tell a silly old joke and bring a smile to a friend’s face. Here are 52 face-palming hilarious jokes for your perusal and use.
Hilarious Jokes For the Kids
Last night, my plate said: “Y’know what? Dinner is on me!”
Why did the Teddy bear pass on desert? He was already stuffed.
What did one shirt say to the other in the closet? We should hang out sometime.
Why was the pickle famous? He was kinda a big dill.
How can you tell if a pepper is nosy? They’re jalapeño business.
What did the paper say to the scissors while they were in line for the movies? “Hey! No cutting!”
What did the sharpener say to hurt the pencil’s feelings? “You’re kinda dull.”
What do you call a vegetable that works in retail? Sell-ery
How could the typewriter get into any room? They had a lot of keys.
What did the lonely guitar say? “You never pick me anymore!”
What’s the calmest food you can eat? Chill-i.
How do you stop an astronaut baby from crying? You rock it.
Why did the cookie need to see a doctor? He felt kinda crummy.
Next: 91 Clean Dumb Silly Jokes
Hilarious Jokes For the Grown-Ups
Why are mens’ voices louder than women’s? They have a built-in antenna.
What should you never say to a woman on her period? “You’re ovary-acting!”
I’m emotionally constipated—haven’t given a crap in days.
Why do mermaids wear seashell bras? They usually grow out of the B-shell ones.
Why do cannibals avoid clowns? They taste funny.
What kind of insects breastfeed? Boo-Bees.
What do you call a person who gets stronger as they drink? Al Can-haul-it.
What should you do if your wife starts smoking? Use more lube.
If you break a mirror, it’s seven years of bad luck. But if you break a condom, it’s at least 18.
What is the worst part about getting a cheap circumcision? It’s a rip-off.
What do you say to a woman with an extensive spice collection? “Nice rack!”
What did the blind man with erectile dysfunction say? “So, none of my rods work?”
Hilarious Jokes For the Pop Culture Experts
Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested? The charge is battery.
How can you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the Fresh Prints.
What do you call a copy of a silver fox actor? George Clone-y.
Have you heard about the curse surrounding actors who play Superman? Ironically, Christopher Reeve proved that theory has legs.
What do you call a fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse? Marlin Brando.
Hilarious Jokes For Spooky Season
What did Frankenstein leave in the toilet? A monster mash.
What did all the ghouls eat in Dracula’s castle? Monster Mash-ed potatoes.
What’s it called when you’re dancing to a novelty Halloween song but you have to leave quickly? The Monster Dash.
What’s a horror movie for people with anxiety? “Nightmare on Overwhelm Street”
What do you call a hockey mask-wearing killer who has allergies? Jason Vor- sneeze.
What do you call a horror movie in which only the hot girls are murdered? “Shalloween”.
What do you call a Texan horror movie villain who’s gone vegan? Pleatherface.
What do you call a lip syncing vampire in heels? Dragula.
Next: 90 Halloween Jokes, Puns & Riddles
For the Animal Kingdom
What do you call a little marsupial who rights poetry? Edgar Allen Poe-Ala.
What’s the most distrustful animal? A Lion
What animal is always unfaithful? A Cheetah.
What do you call a monkey with nice booty? An Orangu-DANG.
What crime was the elephant arrested for? Trunk driving.
What did the shepherd with insomnia say when his flock ran away? “I’m losing sheep over this!”
What did the pony say when he grew up and lost his voice? “I’ve gone horse.”
What did the fish say when he escaped from the bear’s mouth? “Consider yourself Trout-smarted!”
What did the angry Dog CEO yell at his subordinates? “I built this thing from the hound up!”
How do you defend yourself from a cat? Punch him in the hairballs.
What do you call a male chicken that won’t crow? A Refuse-ter
What did the rhinoceros say to hurt the feelings of the tallest animal on earth? “You’re a Giraffe-erthought!”
Did the giraffe say back? “Rhino you are but what am I?”
