120 (Or So) Dirty Jokes

It’s no secret that we all go through blue moods and most of us are thinking about sex 24/7. Dirty jokes can help deliver a much-needed serotonin hit and make you laugh behind your hand at the raunchy nature. For your next night at the pub or your next hangout, here are 120 (or so) dirty jokes.

 

Category 1: Dirty Sex Jokes

Why does Santa Clause have a lumpy sack?—He only comes once a year.

 

How can you tell guitar players get laid so often? They go through a lot of G strings.

 

Everything I know about sex, I learned from bars—liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

 

Flirting with young girls is like Blackjack — don’t hit on a 16.

 

The difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

 

I got a booty call from life—it wants to keep fucking me.

 

A married couple is preparing to have sex. The wife says: “Honey do you think we could not do missionary this time?” The husband: “Damnit Sharon, I’ve already got the collar on!”

 

A friend of mine told me it’s good to keep a woman wanting more. I haven’t let my wife finish dinner for weeks.

 

A girl asked if we could do it cowgirl—so I branded her.

 

How do you pick up an archaeologist? Tell them you’ve got a bone to discover.

 

What’s a termite have in common with your girlfriend? They’re both wrecking my home by filling their mouths with wood.

 

I asked a prostitute if I could pay her with a credit card. She said that’s not what the slot is for.

 

I’d love a drink before sex but communion wine seems wrong, Father.

 

I have a teacher fetish—I love when a woman tells me I have no future.

 

This girl said she liked to be scared her during sex. So, I whispered in her ear: “Climate change is our biggest threat.”

 

Another said she liked football players—I said: “I have the perfect guy for you. However, buying gloves for him can be murder”

 

What’s the difference between a lesbian and a bartender? One reaches for mugs, the other munches on rugs.

 

We got a wedding invite that said: “Please no kids allowed”—So I had to get my girlfriend an abortion.

 

What do young men and old sleeper sofas have in common? They both squeak when they pull out.

 

Best part of gardening? Using your hoe.

 

A girl told me she wanted to get weird—so I called her by her sister’s name.

 

Another girl told me she was into bondage—so we watched “12 Years a Slave”

 

What does a farmer have in common with my wife? They both wake up to a cock.

 

What does the Impossible Burger have in common with a dildo? They’re both meat substitutes.

 

Category 2: Dirty Anatomical Jokes

What does the “G” in “G Spot” stand for? “Goddamn, where is it?”

 

Why do women’s underwear have flowers on them? In memory of the faces buried there.

 

My wife rubbed her pubis on my face—kinda tainted the moment.

 

What do boners and personal style have in common? They’re made worse by sweatpants.

 

What does a labia and a great essay have in common? They both get a major-A

 

Are your ankles having a party? Because I think your pants should come down.

 

What do big dicked men and medieval torture artists have in common? They stretch people out.

 

A woman told me to worship her ass. I said I’d come back Sunday.

 

What does a gynecologist have in common with a theatre worker? Both pull back curtains.

 

What does my wife have in common with my pinky toe? I bang both on the table.

 

What does a clitoris and a pitcher’s mound have in common? Both are little bumps where everything important happens.

 

What’s the difference between an ass and a rude audience? You can make an ass clap.

 

What’s the difference between an ass and a kid? You can still slap an ass.

 

What does a testicle and a college kid have in common? They’re both sensitive.

 

What’s the name of a charity that feeds homeless, nursing babies? Tits for Tots.

 

What did the boobs say to the bra? “We could really use your support right now.”

 

Can you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? It’s not hard.

 

What does sex and tests have in common? A lack of focus can ruin everything.

 

Don’t mess with the clitoris, it comes from the ‘hood.

 

What should you say after fucking a military woman? “Thank you for your cervix.”

 

What does basic training have in common with sex? You have to pound the privates.

 

How is sex like the military? You get excited when your unit is about to discharge.

 

What’s the difference between a vagina and a man’s mind? Vaginas expand.

 

My choral director told me I needed to sing from my diaphragm—So I queefed.

 

What does Viagra have in common with love? They both make things harder.

 

What do a snowstorm and fucking a random guy have in common? You don’t know how long it’ll last or how many inches you’ll get.

 

What does a squirrel have in common with a scrotum? Both store nuts.

 

What’s the difference between a storage unit and a brothel? One’s full of stuff, the other’s full of muff.

 

The vagina said to the anus—“Maybe more people would like you if you weren’t an assh*le.”

 

What do a tackle box and an butthole have in common? Both are great birthday gifts.

 

I tried having phone sex. The hole was too small.

 

What treasure disappoints a pirate? A sunken chest with no booty.

 

I got dumped after getting a vasectomy. I guess we had vas defrens-es.

 

Category 3: Dirty Poop and Fart Jokes

What did the asshole say to the ballsack? I feel wiped out.

 

I don’t understand rich people—who would want to sleep in a can o’pee?

 

Love is like farting—if you force it, it’ll be shit.

 

I got a call from Rocky Mountain Candy Company. Making fudge is an actual job?

 

What does my wife have in common with a toilet? She takes a lot of shit.

 

I farted so my co-worker opened a window—it must’ve been pretty bad, we work on a submarine.

 

What happens when a prince farts? It’s a noble gas.

 

What did the man say to his colon? “You’re always giving me shit!”

 

Did you know they made a movie called “Constipation”— Shame, it never came out

 

What did they say when a sanitation worker was killed in a work accident? He died doing his duty.

 

What does Costco have in common with anal sex? Lots of shit.

 

What do I have in common with a jellyfish burn? We both like to get peed on.

 

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn’t let a garbanzo bean on my face.

 

Category 4: Dirty Pop Culture Jokes

I’m more powerful than Avatar—he just bent wind, I break it all the time.

 

The guys in “Back to the Future” must’ve shit themselves when time-traveling—his name was Doc Brown.

 

What’s does JJ Watt have in common with a pornstar? They both dominate on D.

 

How is Donald Trump similar to a prolapsed anus? Both assholes who are always talking shit.

 

What do Mar a Lago and pubic hair have in common? They’re both hiding a dick.

 

What do Jeffery Epstein and an old man’s balls have in common? They hang.

 

What do Usain Bolt and an 18-year-old guy have in common? Both good for quick runs.

 

Freud was into symbolism, the unconscious mind—And NO ONE asked why he was always slobbering on a cigar?

 

What do boxing and Tarantino’s fetish have in common? All about footwork.

 

What do Willie Nelson and a MILF have in common? They might die soon so it’s cool that they’re smoking.

 

Greatest ladykiller of all time? Ted Bundy.

 

What do you call a homophobic guy who fucks a lot? Chick Fill-a.

 

Many compare good food to good sex—Jeffery Dahmer never chose.

 

Why is Batman’s voice so raspy? He ate out Poison Ivy.

 

What does Spiderman have in common with a pubescent boy? Both have sticky, white stuff on their hands.

 

Why was Lois Lane disappointed? Superman’s super speed includes the bedroom.

 

Did you know that Adolf Hitler was a bottom? He was a dic-taker.

 

What does J Lo have in common with the newest Volkswagen? The trunk space.

 

Apparently, The Weeknd based his name on the only time my wife will blow me.

 

Kanye West is the only person who thinks of himself while he masturbates.

 

What’s the difference between me and Gwyneth Paltrow? I just have a sock-full of goop.

 

What’s the difference between Ed Sheeran and someone with chlamydia? A person with chlamydia is the REAL fire crotch.

 

What’s the difference between Drake and a pediatrician? The pediatrician is supposed to contact underaged girls.

 

To be honest, I’m surprised this is the first we’re hearing about Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls.

 

What does a testicular cancer support group have in common with Taylor Swift’s love life? A lot of dudes crying.

 

What does fucking Johnny Depp have in common with Hot Topic? Dark, sad and lots of accessories.

 

What’s the difference between Chris Brown and a blackjack player? Chris Brown doesn’t ask to hit it.

 

Did you hear Jennifer Aniston is single? Maybe she’ll get back into Brad’s Pit.

 

What’s it like to have sex with Chrissy Teigen? Legend-ary.

 

The only thing shorter than Kevin Hart’s dick is his relevance.

 

What’s it like to have sex with Timberlake? He’s Just-in.

 

I heard Leo Dicaprio asks women: “Want to play Titanic? You be the ocean and I’ll go down on you.”

[ Ready for Halloween yet? — 90 Halloween Jokes, 50 Halloween Pickup Lines, 50 Halloween Riddles, 85 Halloween Puns, Pumpkin Puns]
Was this article helpful?
YesNo